EXT. - ABOVE GROUND POOLSIDE - Day
PAUL GIAMATTI is fussing in a lounge chair, struggles to find a good position for a tanning screen for his face. It's overcast and he has sunblock on the bridge of his nose. JASON KRAVITS is sitting backwards on a chair facing Paul Giamatti and STEPHEN TOBOLOWSKY is lounging with them, looking very comfortable and content.STEPHEN TOBOLOWSKY
I wouldn't worry about it. I have dozens of stalkers.
You wouldn't believe the kind of trim I pulled after Mississippi Burning. They called me the S-train.PAUL GIAMATTI
You played a klansman.
Yeah, it was crazy pussy. (turns onto stomach) I'd just pitch her a bone and she'll lay off.
I'm with Paul on this one. He needs to get a bodyguard. When's the guy coming over?
Any minute. What was that you were talking about earlier?
I'm starting my own agency. I'm done with acting--
What will Law & Order do without Attorney #2?
I'm done with acting and I'm starting up my own agency and I was hoping you would come along.
I don't know. Who else do you have?
Well...so far...are you familiar with Darkman?
You landed Liam Neeson?
Not quite, but the guy who played the mob boss is very interested in possibly signing with me.
That's Dr. Giggles.
Oh, yeah, the retard from LA Law. What has he been up to lately?
He was in a little something called Star Wars.
(looking at phone)He was the voice of Kazdan Paratus in a Star Wars video game. Who the fuck is Kazdan Paratus? You can't even get a gig playing a Darth in a video game your career is pretty much over.
Jason Kravits starts to object, but is interrupted by the gate opening. A MALE VOICE calls up.MALE VOICE
Hello? Anybody up there? I'm from the security agency. I'm looking for a...Paul Joomatty?
THE BOYS approach the railing of the above ground pool and peer down. OTS REVEAL of a schlubby, balding man who is a dead ringer for Paul Giamatti.STEPHEN TOBOLOWSKY
PAN UP to sun above LA, finally coming out of the clouds. Dazzle fadeout.
Extremely proud over here! The bosses took notice and I have been promoted to 20 cages!!
Mr. Sakurai-sama, where the FRICK is Dino Riki!?
Are there arrows in Tomb Raider? "No. Absolutely not."
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.