Paul Giamatti's Entourage

INT. DEPRESSING OLD PEOPLE RESTAURANT - NIGHT

FADE IN from old-fashioned candle centerpiece. Paul Giamatti, Stephen Tobolowsky, MATT LIOTTA, and the VIETNAMESE STEWARDESS he has brought along are dining together. PAUL'S BODYGUARD is at a nearby table watching an obsolete portable TV he has placed on the table and eating a very limp shrimp cocktail.

MATT LIOTTA

So has Kevin Costner over there scared off the stalker?

PAUL GIAMATTI

No, I'm still getting letters written in period blood. And the guy is a piece of work. Huge asshole.

MATT LIOTTA

Well he looks like you, so who could blame him?

STEPHEN TOBOLOWSKY

That's what I said.

PAUL GIAMATTI

He doesn't look anything like me.

STEPHEN TOBOLOWSKY

We did figure out who the stalker is though.

MATT LIOTTA

Oh, hang on, I'm good at this. Let me guess. Okay...ahhh...is she a fart in a wig?

PAUL GIAMATTI

It's Mira Bauman. She reviews nothing but precious indie movies for Fresh Air on NPR.

MATT LIOTTA

You're lucky. At least you have a media stalker. My last stalker was a stripper named Austin.

STEPHEN TOBOLOWSKY

Male stripper.

VIETNAMESE STEWARDESS

(in halting English)

Uh...excuse me.

PAUL GIAMATTI

The notes she's been sending me said she's going to break into my house and make me a part of her forever. I'm sending my bodyguard in ahead of me to take care of business.

VIETNAMESE STEWARDESS

Excuse me.

STEPHEN TOBOLOWSKY

I hope he's wearing a vest. Those NPR women are vicious. And you know what I heard? All of them have pierced clits.

PAUL GIAMATTI

Get outta here!

VIETNAMESE STEWARDESS

Excuse me.

MATT LIOTTA

What is it, honey?

VIETNAMESE STEWARDESS

(pointing to Paul's Bodyguard)

That fat man look just like this fat man.

Paul Giamatti's face goes red and he starts to yell. CUT TO black.