A vote for me is a vote for a better Silent Hill.
Greetings ladies and gentlemen, my name is Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka and I'd like your vote for mayor of Silent Hill. For far too long have I seen the potential of this lovely city squandered under the reign of our current mayor, Ed "Beagles" Barkley, as corruption and pollution spread like rancid bile throughout our city hallways (and I'm not talking about the normal, scheduled flow of rancid bile which travels down the city hallways every Tuesday at 8:00 PM). It's time we made a change and reclaimed the fame and beauty this once prosperous town was known for throughout the tri-metro area!
Now some of you may be scared of change, a perfectly rational response considering the horrible state of decay our town currently experiences. Unfortunately, we simply cannot afford another term under Mayor Barkley's failed liberal social system! Thanks to a series of town hall meetings my advisors and I held with fellow Silent Hill residents, I was able to collect a list of the most pressing issues currently plaguing our citizens under Mayor Barkley's last four years of financial ruin:
#1: 5937% rise in dense, fog-like air pollution from the flesh skinning factory below the Silent Hill Historical Society. First of all, I feel Mayor Barkley owes all citizens an explanation as to why he ever agreed to award Murderous Blackened Soul Decay Ltd. a business license allowing them to operate directly beneath the Historical Society. Their business has been pumping countless cubic tons of thick white fog into our town, dramatically reducing visibility and complicating travel of any kind!
Why just yesterday I found myself lost while walking to my own mailbox! After walking for three hours, I eventually realized the pollution had turned me completely around, and I was standing in the middle of the dead field full of cancerous pulsating beasts who shriek eternal murder through their dead, vacant eyes. Remember Ed Barkley's campaign promise to - and I quote here - "remove all cancerous pulsating beasts who shriek eternal murder through their dead, vacant eyes and replace them with festive non-denominational holiday decorations"? What exactly happened to that promise, Ed?
#2: Significant decrease in health care quality at Brookhaven Hospital. Silent Hill has, once again, received horrible marks in this year's annual outpatient health care survey, ranking below Raccoon City and barely above Akron, Ohio. I can personally testify to the cost cutting and unsanitary procedures running rampant under Barkley's incompetent campaign. Just two weeks ago I discovered an odd lump on my left breast, slightly above my pocket flashlight. My wife Megan said I should go get it checked out, so I agreed and checked in to the Brookhaven Hospital.
I should've known something was up when nobody bothered to greet me at the receptionist desk. The halls were void of life, crammed full of overturned wheelchairs and countless cardboard boxes. Eventually I stumbled into an unlocked room occupied by a highly incompetent student nurse who attempted to surgically remove my head from my body in a very unprofessional manner, with minimal bedside courtesy. I fled the hospital and later discovered Brookhaven Hospital doesn't even accept my insurance plan (Federated), so it was probably for the best. Oh, and it turns out my medical condition was hardly an issue; the kind doctors at Brahm's Emergency Hospital diagnosed it in under five minutes (a typical wormbeast larvae infection spreading its eggs through my lungs and erupting under the flesh surface). They gave me a prescription for Nuprin and a sticker which reads "#1 HEALTHY PATIENT!" above a cartoon elephant holding a balloon.Ed "Beagles" Barkley does not care about us. It's time for a change!
#3: Tourism down 982%. We've been trying to re-establish ourselves as the rightful tourism hot spot in the tri-metro area for years now, and thought we were doing pretty good up until that tragic fire 15 years ago. A lot of people, a lot of naysayers predicted that horrible tragedy would be this town's demise. You know what? It didn't stop us. It didn't slow us down. We rebuilt and became one of the prime holiday destinations despite all the ludicrous claims of black magic and other gobbledygook nonsense spread by those jealous hatemongers in Raccoon City.
Then Beagles Barkley was elected mayor and the good ol' boys network moved in, decimating the tourism industry and nearly 96% of all lakeside business. One decade ago, we could all plan on healthy holiday revenue sustaining our economy year-wide. The only people visiting our historic city these days are the occasional writer or lost husband, and they don't bother purchasing anything. Maybe we could sell replicas of their mysterious ghost daughter or missing undead wife or whatever. We could do it real tastefully, like put them in a snow globe or something.
#4: A failed transportation system. Folks across the county refuse to drive across town due to the impenetrable fog and horrifying road care system. West Sanford Street is plagued with a series of bottomless black holes which recently claimed the life of Silent Hill's beloved halfdog Snarls, who escaped the Silent Hill Skull Fracturing Facility after it successfully burrowed its way through Jim Taggleson's bowels. Remember the Silent "Hamburger" Hill Stand, the mobile lunch cart operated by Wendy Bruencher? She was forced to fold up shop after a trans dimensional portal to hell opened beneath her business and swallowed 300 pounds of frozen "gourmet" hot dogs. She tried to file an insurance claim, but was unable to reach West Katz Street thanks to the inexplicable 400-foot tall tarp wall blocking her path.
Why is that tarp wall there to begin with? What happened to the Shellfish gas station and Shopco supermarket behind it? Nobody has heard a word from anybody in west Silent Hill since Mayor Barkley built the wall and, for reasons unknown, placed a permanently locked door on it. I tried pouring ten gallons of concrete into one of the many gaping potholes on Saul Street, but the mixture simply vanished after emptying it into the blackened void. Oddly enough, six hours later, a hole appeared in my ceiling and ten gallons of bloody flesh stew splattered all across our new rug. This is no way to treat the taxpaying citizens of Silent Hill, Mr. Barkley! I bought that rug over the Internet, sir!!
#5: A failed public education system. Our nine-year old daughter Lauren often arrives home from school in tears, crying about the cruel treatment she receives from classmates. Why should our daughter be teased, tormented, and punished just because she isn't undead quite yet? The haunting spectral visages of soulless chattering children often poke her with kitchen knives and axes, creating a very learning-unfriendly atmosphere. Tell me, mayor, how is my daughter supposed to master spelling and mathematics when the local educational system caters to the minority, the undead hallucinations of sheer madness? Are all parents with living children expected to homeschool, and if so, why do the rights of the undead come before living children?
My tax dollars fund the Silent Hill school system, and I want to see this money hire new teachers instead of fund the newest and latest ways to ooze buckets of pus from our school's meaty, sweating walls. We've got more than enough pus-spewing meaty, sweating walls in the business district; I fail to see the need for more in a place of learning.
The Silent Hill hospital system: critically flawed from virtually every angle.
My policies and ideas differ greatly from Mayor Ed "Beagles" Barkley's and the cronies he packed into city hall during his two administrations. Let's take a quick glance at our differences so you can see how we stand on the major issues affecting us all:
I, RICH "LOWTAX" KYANKA believe our tax dollars should fund an overhaul of the educational and public transport system, updating our town's major roadways and enhancing our commerce systems. MAYOR ED "BEAGLES" BARKLEY believes our tax dollars should fund the construction of a giant sutured pillar featuring hundreds of moaning faces writhing in eternal torment outside the Silent Hill Daycare / Meat Rendering Plant.
I, RICH "LOWTAX" KYANKA will end the illegal procedure of hiring mannequin-limbed people to work in sweatshop-like conditions, assembling Silent Hill first aid kits and golf clubs. MAYOR ED "BEAGLES" BARKLEY not only supports taking menial, degrading jobs from taxpaying citizens and handing them over to the mannequinites, but furthermore proposes outsourcing of general manual labor, such as construction and maintenance, to the powerful monster lobbying organization. I promise, under my administration, to remove these special interest groups from our city halls and restore dignity to the endless labyrinthine maze of unspeakable horrors in city hall. I will also fix the drinking fountain outside the men's room.
I, RICH "LOWTAX" KYANKA promise to repair the broken AM radio tower which constantly pumps out static over every channel. I propose a tasteful selection of light jazz and classical music. MAYOR ED "BEAGLES" BARKLEY passed a bill approving the use of taxpayer dollars to, and I quote, "encourage a swarm of mothlike beasts to nest beneath the tower and spew a mixture of web and human entrails across the tower's base." It should also be noted Barkley's last mayoral campaign received a donation of over $56 from the mothlike beast lobbying group, in addition to a festive Christmas wreath composed of aborted fetuses and rusty pipes.
I, RICH "LOWTAX" KYANKA support a bill to remove the nearly invincible ghosts plaguing our subway system along with the gangs of vicious tentacle dogs and giant cancerous blobs of walking flesh. MAYOR ED "BEAGLES" BARKLEY tried to place a giant sentient vagina laced with poison spikes at the bottom of the handicapped walkway.
I, RICH "LOWTAX" KYANKA will hire an independent organization to determine who is placing packages of handgun, shotgun, and rifle ammunition across town. MAYOR ED "BEAGLES" BARKLEY once transformed into a 20-foot tall poisonous demonic centipede who proceeded to impregnate Jenny Holcombe with a demonic seed who burst from her chest and blew a fireball 50 feet into the air. That child is now providing heat and basic utilities for Lakeview Hotel.
As mayor, I will give police the weapons they need to keep thugs and rogue mannequin gangs off the streets.
To those of you still harboring doubts, let me make my position clear on various other issues important to our city and citizens:
INCREASED FUNDS FOR THE PUBLIC MAINTENNCE DEPARTMENT. I, like many other citizens, have grown tired of seeing countless limbs, torsos, and other body parts scattered beneath parked cars and abandoned public transportation. I will create a department of limb removal, dedicated to sweeping stray appendages into the sewer system where they rightfully belong.
Please keep in mind that my limb removal department will not actually remove the limbs from living creatures, unlike current Mayor Ed "Beagles" Barkley's notorious Department of Pyramidhead and Pyramidhead's Monstrously Huge Sword. The Public Maintenance Department will also be responsible for disposing of the countless journals, scraps of paper, and diaries scattered across our city. It seems as if many prominent Silent Hill residents fancy themselves as writers. I've got no problem with that, just as long as you keep your masterpieces off public property, particularly the brightly glowing red journals which make me freeze in time each time I open them.
Additionally, this department will travel from apartment to apartment, unclogging trash chutes with six-packs of orange soda.
I WILL BRING IN AN ESTIMATED ADDITIONAL $582 MILLION IN REVENUE PER YEAR. I will open up the region known as "The Otherworld" to outside investors. The discovery of the Otherworld has presented us with numerous commercial potential only a fool such as "Beagles" Barkley would pass up. I am currently in talks with UPS and FedEx to begin daily routes from the Central Square Shopping Center shipping warehouse to the Central Square Shopping Center shipping warehouse in the Otherworld.
Now some of you may be asking, "Rich 'Lowtax' Kyanka, why on Earth would anybody want to shop at the Otherworld Central Square Shopping Center? I like to purchase clothing and eat at a food court not populated by hovering wads of sinewy flesh laced with barbed wire and serrated knives, chattering incessantly with the stone-sized teeth embedded in their third eye." Here's where part two of my plan kicks in: I am currently in the process of luring many "big name" stores and restaurants into the Otherworld, places such as TGI Fridays, JC Pennies, and The Gap!
Let's commercialize the Otherworld and make it yet another welcome attraction to Silent Hill! Too many annoying teenagers hanging out in the Central Square Shopping Center? Well simply leap into one of the many, many bottomless holes located in various convenient locations, and before you know it, you'll be shopping in style... in the Otherworld Central Square Shopping Center, now with 84% less unholy abominations! Please be aware that patrons of the Otherworld mall may require a tetanus shot every half hour of shopping.It is my belief such fleshrooms do nothing but consume taxpayer dollars and add nothing back to the community.
THE CURRENT HEALTH INSPECTOR SHALL BE REPLACED WITH SOMEBODY MORE QUALIFIED. I feel his tendency to spew forth a burning rain of acidic bile limits his potential set of skills. I will nominate my close personal friend, Zack "SpokkerGeist" Parsierrez, who has years of qualified experience and will work with the utmost dignity. He has much less acidic bile and looks significantly better in a hardhat.
THE REMOVAL OF ALL THIS DARN CHAINLINK FENCE EVERYWHERE. I've been saying this over and over again for the past six years now, but apparently nobody has been listening: WE NEED AN INTERIOR DECORATOR. And no, I most certainly WILL NOT consider the guy Mayor Ed hired last year to "spruce up" Rosewater Park. Here's a little note to anybody who graduated from that guy's school of design: an ideal park is one with plenty of beautiful foliage, ample room to walk your pets, and many locations to view exotic wildlife in a calm, relaxing fashion. An ideal park is not one covered in fog, decorated with raging rivers of sinners' flesh and blood, surrounded by poltergeists and mutant beasts forged from the damp underbelly of hell. And don't try to tell me putting a few health drinks next to a bench makes everything alright.
And somebody, please anybody, tell me who thought it would be a bright idea to toss up a hundred miles of chain link fence everywhere, all over town. There's fence blocking off access to half the stores here, there's fence lined up against walls, there's fence fencing in rolls of unused fence. Most of it is covered in rust and decay, making it look even more filthy. Can't we at least pay one of those shaking guys trapped in a straightjacket a few bucks to spray WD-40 on them?
HARSH PENALITIES FOR ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS WHO SNEAK ACROSS THE OTHERWORLD BORDER. These nonresidents have been tunneling into our town, usually from behind bathroom mirrors and bathtub holes, for far too long now. Once here, they refuse to look for even the most basic job; they simply wander about, trying to attack the few tourists we have. How does this contribute to our economy in any positive fashion? I say we block them out, possibly by using some of the leftover 500,000 feet of chain link fence sitting around here.Less towers of bloody, weeping meat and more educational textbooks..
MORE "FUN" RIDES ON THE CARNIVAL. Simply put, the bloody, demonic horsy ride from hell is inappropriate for children of nearly every conceivable age. I tried cleaning up the blood from one of the rides there, but more blood continued to pour from its nose. Then it twisted its head to the side and its flaming red eyes stared into my soul, violating me and cataloging my every fear in both life and death. Overall, it wasn't nearly as fun as the log flume I rode at the carnival in Brahm. Also, their carnival has a store which sells a delicious treat known as "cotton candy," one I feel possesses significantly more selling power than Silent Hill's "bloody demonic bunny doll filled with rotting flesh" snack.
VOTING CARDS WILL BE MAILED TO THOSE STUCK INSIDE THEIR APARTMENTS. If you wake up to discover you cannot leave your apartment and head to city hall for the vote, we will bring your punch card to you. Please do not keep this card in your inventory, as you might accidentally lose it during a trip to the Otherworld.
TAX CREDITS FOR HIRING FLESHEATING TENTICLED THINGS. The city council recently passed a bill deeming them a minority, so the typical business tax credit will apply when you hire a certain percentage of flesh eating tentacled things. These hardworking, equal-opportunity individuals are well suited for a variety of tasks, including eating flesh, stabbing people with their tentacles, and stabbing people with their tentacles so they may eat them. They are also very goal-oriented, so try promoting one to upper management; I think you'll be very pleasantly surprised!
RE-OPEN ALL VACANT COMMERICIAL AND RESIDENTIAL PROPERTY. Once tourists begin flowing in, we'll finally be able to start pulling in tax dollars. Business owners have been afraid to open shops due to the hoards of straightjacket creatures roaming the streets with negligible purchasing power. This fear is entirely justified; when was the last time you saw one of these creatures legitimately purchase a potted flower or toy? I can't even imagine where they could carry any money. I plan on reopening the entire business area, including the bar, bowling alley, and strip club. Until an actual attractive human is found, the strip club will feature the erotic acts of Pyramidhead "getting it on" with a couple mannequin creatures. You can try to tip ol' PH, but I seriously doubt you'll survive an attempt to place a $5 bill under his apron. And even if you do... man, let's just say you probably won't like what you find underneath there.
IMPORT LOCKSMITHS FROM NEIGHBORING BRAHM CITY. I don't think I really need to explain this one. Let's just say I'm unable to enter 90% of the rooms in my own damn house, no matter how hard I try. I mean, come on, I can't even get through my screen door here. You'd think I could kick through it or something but... nope. Maybe it's made from chain link fence.
I hope I have made my stance on all issues clear. Thank you for your time, and please vote for a better Silent Hill this year; vote for Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka. Thank you, and may Valtiel bless you.
Save the guinea worm? Him good worm. Part of environment. Green jobs.
This space-age device is a cardboard box with two holes in it. The operative sticks a hand in one end. The contact inserts a hand in the other end. With both hands shielded from prying eyes, a secret handshake can commence.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.