You're looking for a ship that's a little on the chunky side. A chassis with more battle scars than functional engines. Mismatched panels salvaged from other ships and hastily bashed in place with a hydrospanner under a hail of blaster fire. A ship everyone in the galaxy will call an eyesore, despite the fact that it is objectively rad by any measure.
Avoid: Brand new models, ships that look even remotely like any craft out there, a vessel that has been completely blown up
As a smuggler you'd think that more cargo space would be better. Nothing could be further from the truth. The trick is to move relatively small high-value items without being detected. What you need is a cramped cargo hold that is an absolute pain in the ass to use. We're talking about a dusty half-closet that forces you to rearrange your entire collection of vests and striped pants to make room for a single crate of iridium jizz flutes.
Ideally your cargo area will contain at least one flashing emergency light and the annoyed growling of a mysterious creature that is never seen.
Avoid: Storage holds that allow you to turn in any direction without hitting your elbow on a loose wall panel, basic securing devices such as hooks and straps
Shit should never work.
If everything ran all the time, what would you and your companion bicker about?
Avoid: Anything that starts up the first time its button is pressed, instrument panels that don't randomly dim as they emit sparks and feeble dying sounds
Scoundreling is a time-consuming job that sends you criss-crossing the galaxy. You need to sleep some time, so make sure your quarters are suitably inviting. We recommend a pair of beige plastic bunk beds sadly dangling from a moldy wall.
Avoid: Comfort, cleanliness, privacy
Which blaster cannon is the space equivalent of a half-hearted punch that leaves the puncher winded and nursing a dislocated shoulder? That's the one you want.
Only a psycho would get the job done with sheer firepower. You want to barely hold the enemy off until the last moment, saving yourself by committing to an outrageous near-suicidal plan.
Avoid: Shields that can withstand more than a single shot from a handheld blaster set to "annoy"
Haha, no. You're not exchanging credits for a ship like some sort of non-scoundrel. The retail price is irrelevant.
Here's how you're doing to get your very own smuggling ship. You're going to win in it in a sketchy bet that aggrieves multiple parties. Or you're going to hot-wire a random junker to escape from a facility you weren't authorized to visit in the first place.
If you absolutely must buy the ship with currency, take out a loan with unusual conditions that will be impossible to fulfill.
Avoid: Any deal that would be recorded on the books, a receipt, a warranty
I'm ruined. Every dream in my life has been dashed. Fantastic product! Would buy again!
Astronaut AJ Tucker returns from a long hiatus to offer his insight about the possible "alien probe" spotted zipping through our solar system.
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