It’s time to be the Big Man on a Little Street. Designed with no regard for average city dimensions, this medium entry truck lets everyone know that you have a truck. It’s powerful, it’s unnecessary, and it’s fully loaded with hardly functional features that sound important. To get the most out of your SuperMAX Ultra Cab, be sure to upgrade to the “This is a Metaphor for my Package” package.

New Features Include

  • Expanded width to ensure all parking is triple parking
  • Every piece of the car has been calculated and numbered for easy stat boasting. (Example: V6 5.0 Engine, 3 SPS (swipes per second) Window Wipers, 17 USB 1.0 ports, 1cm thick faux leather, Tires: 4)
  • Muffler replaced with 10-point speaker system to amplify sound of acceleration
  • Cab lifted three feet higher to block vision of drivers in all directions
  • Upgraded engine for up to 6 powerful MPG (estimated highway)
  • Turn signal automatically disabled
  • Extensive brain surgery available to replace your memories with scenes from Mark Wahlberg movies (Optional)
  • All metal (including frame, screws, and welding material) replaced with chrome (Optional)

This entry level truck is perfect for the masculine copper scrapper who needs to slip through alleys with a bed full of “acquired” metal. If you’re American and have certain preconceived notions on what that means, then the XXL MegaBIG Crew is the truck for a Patriot like yourself.

New Features Include

  • Anti-Environmental Engineered Engine to blast a haze of black smoke during idle
  • Bed fully equipped with empty Mountain Dew bottles that roll around at every traffic stop
  • One stretched out bungie cord included for all your
  • Available Colors: Rusted Black, Rusted White, Rust (Special Edition)
  • Pre-sun bleached Jegs and Sunoco stickers applied to gate (Optional)
  • Includes one (1) blown out bungie for all moving needs

The DeLUX King QuadCab isn’t a truck. It’s a three-ton status symbol. You’ll cruise around your suburb knowing that it is legally impossible to drive anything bigger without a Class A license. Everything rough or difficult about trucks has been replaced with cutting-edge technology and luxurious comfort. There’s nothing manlier than being on the receiving end of extreme pampering.

New Features Include

  • Fully integrated CabHub featuring satellite radio that only plays the Eagles “Hotel California” and a web tool that auto Likes all your nostalgic Facebook posts
  • Dash loaded with the exact same knob and dial loadout of a cold war fighter jet
  • Never lose vision in your behemoth with backup camera, left and right turn camera, forward drive camera, and the new 2018 sky camera
  • Six photo ops a year of your truck in incredibly masculine locations (previous locations include: towing a boat, moving fallen oak tree, scaling side of mountain)
  • Heated steering wheel and foot massaging gas pedal means constant comfort no matter how bumpy the Target parking lot has gotten
  • Mobile Wi-Fi autosyncs with your childrens’ phones to call you every couple days
  • 5 gallon minifridge built into the back row of seats because despite all the advancements sitting in the back of a truck still sucks
  • Front seats replaced with two king size Tempur-Pedic mattresses
  • List of fifteen customized excuses for why you’ve never actually loaded anything in the truck

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)

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