It's important for websites to improve when necessary. At Twitter we feel it's even more important to fiddle with things for no good reason. It is our hope that by implementing a sufficient number of minor changes, we can eventually overcome the simple, efficient design that made our company so large and wealthy.
Over the years we've added emojis, embedded media, sponsored tweets, a Discover tab, and new profile pages that have all sorts of things going on in various sizes in seemingly random places. We even changed nested conversations to flow in the exact opposite direction of everything else in your timeline. Now we're planning a Whisper Mode to smudge the borders between public topics and private conversations.
That's just the beginning. Our team is fully committed to arbitrary changes. In the coming months we'll be rolling out quite a few treats for our users.
The Next Level Of Interaction
Sometimes text will just disappear for a while. When will it be back? Where? We don't know. Even if we did, we wouldn't tell.
Our iconic Twitter bird ("Chet") is an internationally beloved character. But what if we had a better bird? A more realistic bird? Our new logo will be a highly detailed drawing of a bluebird. Maybe this will help us reach the elusive demographic of people who have strong negative reactions to anything that can be described as stylized or cartoonish. Maybe not. One thing we do know is that the size of every page is about to increase by three megabytes.
You can always count on tweets having a limit of 140 characters. Sort of. Soon you'll have the option to enable a new mode we've labeled Titan Tweetin'. Instead of being limited 140 characters, you will be able to post a single character which is 140 times the size of a normal letter or number.
Making A Splash
Wouldn't it be great if Twitter had a splash page consisting of a blurry full-window movie showing models smiling at their computers/tablets and wearing completely white outfits at a park? Every single time you loaded the site or launched the app? We can't think of a single flaw with this idea.
Our new profanity filtering alrogrithm will automatically track your typing and correct any misspelled swear words.
The Notifications tab is great. But what happens when you forget to glance at it every now and then? Think of all the replies that go unread for stretches as long as two, maybe even three minutes. Soon this nightmare will be a thing of the past. Our new notifications system will play a single startlingly loud bird chirp when you have an unread message, two louder chirps when you have been retweeted by someone important, and will play a constant hellish warbling tone as long as there is nothing new.
Bird, Meet Mouse
Our engineers have been hard at work on a significant tech breakthrough. When you visit Twitter on the web, we will be able to turn your mouse cursor into a gif of a little blue bird. Better yet, a trail of smaller birds will follow the cursor like the tail of a kite. Innovation or magic?
A Star Is Born
Soon, when you favorite someone else's tweet it will use up one star from your limited pool. Your account will get an allowance of ten stars per week. You'll be able to gain more by having your content favorited by others, or by retweeting sponsored links.
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
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