Holy shit I do not want to be using the mfing computer on a Saturday WTF but here goes nothing because guess what?? Bristol's memoir frigging accuses me of date raping away her morals and of course RAPE is no joke. It is not a laughing matter. So here I am to seriously respond to these hameous accusations with my side of the story.

First of all, let me get her side out of the way. In Bristols book called "Not Afraid of Life" which has MY SON on the cover she is super classy like her whole family of truthsayers who aren't like always rewriting history any time they talk or anything and she frigging makes up this whole story about how I was pouring wine coolers down her throat and then plowed her unbeknownst like some sort of roofie molester dude.

Alright, first she calls me a gnat who cheats on her even though I did nail lots of chicks we were on mini breakup things in between dates so I did not technically cheat and the one time I did it was with two chicks at once and that's like a special thing not normal sex because they were both sort of uggo and I would not have dropped D on them under normal parmeters. Here's where she talks about how I got her all drunk:

Bristol lies to her mother, Sarah Palin, telling her she's "going to stay the night at Ema's house," (Pg. 2) but instead goes off on a camping trip in Point MacKenzie with her "ruggedly handsome boyfriend," Levi Johnston. In the back of Levi's red pickup truck are "firearms for protection against wildlife, and lots of alcohol." At this point, young Bristol hadn't had a sip of alcohol, and especially "didn't know that the girly flavored wine coolers were just as likely to get you drunk as the hard stuff." (Pg. 2) Bristol proceeds to down wine cooler after wine cooler, as she "slowly surrendered to their woozy charms."(Pg. 3) Levi keeps replacing her finished wine coolers with new ones, and soon Bristol hits "that awful wall" that takes her from a "happy buzz" into "the dark abyss of drunkenness." (Pg. 3) The last thing she remembers is sitting by the fire and laughing with friends, and doesn't remember waking up in her tent the next morning "with something obviously askew."

Deer in the Headlights will have the true truth and not the Palin media spins.Yeah askew like her lie detector broke off all its arms and threw them across the room. I don't say blame rape victims for getting raped that's BS but like it's innocent until proven guilty and you're gonna believe the palins about anything. They don't even acknowledge reality. Up until 2010 Bristol thought Mexican people were chupacabras.

First of all this camping trip was originally gonna be just me, Bodie, Tucker, and Wolf this foreign exchange student that we called Werewolf and accidentally set on fire just before Christmas and we were gonna hunt owls with night vision goggles. Turns out Todd has like 15 different night vision goggles he keeps in this weird room in his house with like this super hero costume and a cage. But Bristol had to let me in there so I had to invite her along.

Now on the subject of the booze I got to give you a fact. FACT: Pinocchio here is queen chugalug 24/7 and made ME buy three of those packs of wine coolers with flavors like Tahiti Terpentine or whatever even though I was like I ALREADY BOUGHT FOUR CASES OF KEYSTONE how much do you need girl? OTHER FACT: She talks about me bringing her fresh ones and this is called BEING A GENTLEMAN which she would know if her dad wasn't Todd who put DVD cameras in their shower TWICE. How come that isn't in the book?

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2023 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful