And now, ladies and gentlemen, time for an awful editorial courtesy of the equal action fraggers at "Game Girlz" (NOTE: There's a "z" at the end of "Girl" to denote that they're in fact a bunch of "hip and cool" ladies. Well, either that or they can't spell). The article is entitled "Women in G-strings", and it takes aim at the Palestinian / Jewish conflict regarding the holy shrine in Jerusalem. No wait, it's about women in G-strings. Sorry, I got my notecards mixed up. Anyway, here are some key quotes from the article:
I am bothered by the fact that decent models and skins are so limited for women. I don’t understand why developers of games continually use standard female models that look like bimbos. Are they telling us that the only power a woman has is to distract the other players by looking sexy?
Where are the sexy men with G-strings and bulging, bouncy groins? I can only assume that model and skin designers strive to provide distraction for the younger males who play. Get those hormones going and they lose all sense. This could be a strategy I suppose, but I don’t play for someone else… I play for ME.
Okay, so let me see if I'm assessing the situation correctly:
1) Heterosexual male game designers, who work in offices full of other heterosexual male game designers for 10 hours a day, make game about killing people by shooting them repeatedly.
2) Heterosexual male game designers release game to a predominantly heterosexual male gaming public.
3) Heterosexual female can't figure out why there are no giant walking penis models in the aforementioned game.
Could somebody please inform me where "sexy men with G-strings and bulging, bouncy groins" should properly figure into this equation, because I sure as hell can't find it. Game makers, like any legit company, respond to supply and demand. What do the majority of FPS gamers want? Well, let me rephrase that: what DON'T the majority of FPS gamers want, besides a sequel to any Lithtech game? The answer is obvious: MEN'S PENISES. I hate to drop such an Earth-shattering bomb on everybody out there, but a good percentage of FPS gamers are heterosexual males. Horny heterosexual males. Horny heterosexual males who become violent when you even suggest viewing other men's penises. Based on the current social trend and demand, game companies are making games that feature big breasted, inhumanly proportioned, supermodel women. Why? Because this is what the majority of gamers want to see.
For example, go to any LAN party, walk up to somebody playing Quake 3: Arena, and ask if they'd rather look at a nude photo of Killcreek or John Romero. I can guarantee 100% of them will say "neither", but once you eliminate that answer, 100% of them will say "Killcreek." Why? Because FPS gamers are adamant heterosexual males. In fact, most of them start getting extremely defensive and nervous when you even mention "naked men." As a bonus experiment, sneak behind somebody playing a game and shout "HUGE TESTICLES!!!" while they're playing. Their reaction will be pure gold.
Let's face it: female FPS players are in a minority. Since they do not make up a significant enough portion of online gamers, the game companies will not bother dedicating time to satiate their wants. Games come out rushed and crunched all the time; what makes anybody think designers can spend a few extra weeks adding in Chippendale's dancers for the 12 or 13 females who will buy the game? It's like me demanding game companies make weak and scrawny webmasters with pubic hair models. Who are the only people that would play with that model? As far as I know, just myself and Loonyboi! The moment women (or homosexual men) develop a large enough fan base for FPS games is the moment we'll be treated to a parade of men's bulging crotches. Until then, we'll continue to live in a bulgeless society, one which thrives on mutant, freaky looking insect women that have waist sizes the diameter of a bottle cap. It's a painful tradeoff indeed, but I think Looneyboi and I will be able to handle it.
Wow, Cliff Yablonski's sure been hard at work lately! Another update! In the same week! The guy's an animal!
From: cliff yablonski
Subject: (no subject)cliff
What else can I say? Three new pages of people Cliff Yablonski hates!
Cranky Steve's Haunted Whorehouse has been updated as well, sporting a couple new Quake 2 SP map reviews from guest columnists Jed and Daniel St. Clair. Hoo boy, do they look like fun!
Pipes and Boxes. Boxes and Pipes. There's a box that leads to a pipe and a pipe that leads to a fucking box, folks. There may have also been a box that led to another box but don't quote me on that. It's a big, wacky obstacle course where players have to crawl through pipes, run through boxes, swim through mysterious levitating cubes of water, and try to make it to the end without slitting their own wrists. Maybe the mentally challenged preadolescent who made this map was trying to qualify for the Special Olympics and thought it would make an ideal "virtual training ground". Still, that's no excuse to unleash this monstrosity on the rest of the god-fearing Quake 2 playing public. Let's just see how well the little fucker does in the 500-meter dash without any kidneys.
WTA has updated once again, and once again, I can't really quite figure out what the hell it's supposed to be. My best description is "A Flash movie called 'Skydiving Balls'." Don't ask. If you're courageous enough, check it out and enjoy the confusion.
BLACK LIVES MATTER!!! NOOOOOOO!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? YOU HAVE CREATED A MONSTER, AN ABSOLUTE MONSTER!
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
Play your entire PS1 library from a single SD card. But not your Brady Strategy Guides.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.