At a Glance: Bandai delivers yet another classic on the NES market in the form of Chubby Cherub. With a mix of badly translated English and super-annoying gameplay, Chubby Cherub will keep you busy for hours (or until the drugs wear off).
Platform: NES (Download Emulator here - 192k)
Download: Download ROM here - 19k
A perfect example of those Bandai translators hard at work. STAGE 1 PART. READY?!Game Plot: Plot? Well, let me put it to you this way: you're a bigheaded angel who's goal in life is to eat various types of floating candy while dodging malicious creatures who are out to stop your rampage of baked goods and happiness. You make your way trough this world of carnage by way of air, flapping your tiny wings as you gain points (and power) by consuming mysterious floating candy. The point of the whole game remains hazy, but I think it has something to do with making kids aware of the presence of child molesters.
Weapons: Other than your cute smile and adorable oversized head, your true weapon lies between your sweet little angelic thighs. Powered by the candy you consume, Chubby is given the ability to launch red heart-shaped objects from between his legs. That's right: the more candy you eat, the more ammo you gain. If that wasn't bad enough, the grinning little angel also makes a disturbing "PFFFFTT" sound when you fire your genital cannon. Although it's far below the par of the enemy weapons, fear not! You are given a secondary attack of being able to fly over anything and everything in the level, thus defeating the purpose of the whole game! Hooray!
Enemies: The foes in Chubby Cherub range from rabid dogs that vomit playing cards with the letter "B" on them, to dogs that are really slow, to dogs that are really fast, to dogs that can jump really high, to dogs that vomit faster than the regular and less entertaining rabid vomiting dogs, to bulldogs that vomit the classic letter "B" playing cards along with letter "W" playing cards. In yet another wacky twist, owls are thrown into the mix via the latter levels of the game, mindlessly flying up and down across your screen, hoping to sink their poison tipped beak into your precious little skull. The owls are basically the only thing keeping you from flying over the whole level untouched (with the exception of having to occasionally swoop down to eat some magical floating candy to power your wings). The levels are also packed with clever puzzles which you must solve when you see the words "STOP" at the top right of your screen. The puzzles consist of eating a number of baked goods to reveal a random object which (you guessed it) you must consume to continue the level. The "keys" to these puzzles come in the form of flowers, computers, and well, other crap that has absolutely nothing to do with the game.
CONGRATULATION!! YOU AH CHERUB NUMBAH WAN!Number of Levels: After playing through six of the unfathomable number of levels, I slipped into a state of consciousness that can only be described as "Rage-Induced Agitation". I quickly closed my emulator, stripped myself naked, and spent the next three hours scrubbing my entire body with a Brillo pad. I assume the programmers got sick of Chubby Cherub (the constant reminder of their failures in life), and hired someone to copy and paste the same level into the game an uncountable number of times. There may very well be only seven levels in the entire game, but I don't have enough drugs to endure it. I think what I'm trying to say is: ALL THE LEVELS ARE THE SAME.
Number of Bosses: Strangely enough, each level ends in the same manner, only with an ingenious twist! The end of each stage is made up of several windows, a piece of candy floating in front of each. By eating the candy, the corresponding window will pop open. This is followed by a random enemy shooting out the window and killing you or a child with a deranged smirk on his/her face grabbing and groping you for a period of five seconds. If you are lucky and choose the window with the sex-crazed child lurking behind it, the level is over and you win! If you get the window with a rabid dog behind it, you've just lost a life and must perform this guessing game all over again (kind of like Russian Roulette). After the level is complete, you are rewarded with a screen of the darling little angel laughing at you for wasting your time playing the game.
Defining Moment: From the dazzling graphics to the mind boggling puzzles, the best moment of gameplay has got to be when you run the game for the first time and your virgin mind is still unaware of the horror that lies beyond the start button. That and the sound it makes when you fire your genital cannon.
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