Flames From Review of Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring

Here comes an email from somebody who ends their email in the language of "High Elvish," which is probably about the most retarded thing I've ever read. The "Disgruntled Expert" apparently tried to rival Michael A. Mason (see previous email) in sheer quantity, which is evidently what all the moronic LoTR fans strive for. Aim high, guys!

From: bob c
Subject: Man that was a horrible review

Dear SomethingAwefull.com,

Frankly, I thought your review of "The Fellowshipof the Rings" was inordinately asinine and addleheaded. I think first, I shall make a list of all your discrepencies.

1. The quest takes place in the land of Middle Earth. Mordor doesn't come in to play until the Two Towers.

2. Tolkien wrote the Lord of the Rings series around 1950, not the turn of the century.

3. The film does NOT begin in "Hobbit Town", it begins in Bag End, a division of the Shire.

4. At the start of the story, Gandalf is Gandalf the Grey, not Gandalf the White. Saruman is the white wizard at the time.

5. Bilbo only shows his twistedness once at the start, and does NOT recover when Gandalf takes the ring from him. Remember in the Last Homely House (the elves place) Bilbo attacks Frodo when Frodo denies him the touch of the ring of power. I think as well that you made up the word "Titular".

6. Bilbo is definately NOT relieved that the Orc armies are coming to get the ring. Why would he have reason to be?? He's WITH Gandalf, right??

7. Bog wraiths???? BOG WRAITHS?? What's wrong with you?? BOG WRAITHS? Such sacrilage against the magestic 9 that are the WRING WRAITHS!!! May the Witch King's bastard blade CLEAVE YOUR SORRY SOUL IN TWO! Oh, and it's not Sarumon who is controlling them, it's Sauron, the Dark Lord. From Mordor.

8. Arwin's MAGIC SWORD??? That was her father's defense mechanism. You wanted the guy from the matrix in Bullet Time??? There it was! He caused that, and I'll be fed to your balrog mother if it wasn't in "Bullet Time"

9. The fricking Witch King poisoned frodo you idiot! not the orks! They hadn't encountered orcs yet!

10. Again, Mount Doom is in the heart of Mordor, which is on the other side of MIDDLE EARTH! NOT the other side of Mordor!!

11. You said that there was nothing in the movie explaining how the ring had to be destroyed, or why the orks wanted it... now, I saw the movie before I read the books, and I understood perfectly why the orks wanted the ring. YOU HAVE TO PAY ATTENTIONT TO THESE THINGS! You call yourself a critic. BAH! They told you all these things in the begining! I bet you were that idiot in Freshman Spanish who failed everything, WERENT YOU???

12. Yet again, Saruman is the WHITE wizard, and Gandalf the Grey confronted him BEFORE they went to the Last Homely House.

13. I'll admit, it was stupid how the butterfly went to summon Gandalf's way off the tower, but still, IT WASN"T A MOTH! THAT WAS THE PATRIARCH OF THE ROCS! You know, big birdies!

14. The fellowship of 9 does NOT defeat the orcs, the Balrog scared them away. Now, they did stick around to pop off a few arrows before Legolas put one between their eyes(MUAHAHAHAHA!)

15. *disgruntled sigh* Saruman only sent one Uruk-Hai after the Fellowship...

16. You didn't read the books did you?? Gandalf doesn't come back until the second movie, and you're not supposed to disclose that you dolt! *puffs inhaler*

17. Saruman is only defeated ONCE, and that too is in the second book! ARGH!

You say the movie needs to get its facts strait?? I think I have proved my point. Untill we meet again.

Umcalima Casar! (I'ts High Elvish, look it up!),

Disgruntled Expert

This guy got off to a bad start when he failed to correctly spell the second word he typed. From there on it just went downhill if you can believe that. Note that he misspells the word "Orcs" multiple times and THIS MAKES ME FURIOUS, I MUST EMAIL HIM WITH 50,000 WORD ESSAYS DESCRIBING HOW MUCH I HATE HIM RIGHT NOW!!! The crowning touch was in #16 when he displayed his disgust by writing "*puffs inhaler*." Oh my, I believe we have angered the comic book guy from The Simpsons! Umcalima Casar!