ScatterShots is a new series where I guess what's going on in random screenshots of old games I've never played. We're kicking this feature off with the original Alone in the Dark trilogy. Fitting, as I am utterly alone and hopelessly in the dark.

A true gentlemen buttons his suit up on the side of his body, above the hip. If he can't afford a proper suit with buttons sewn into the back.

Just doing backflips in front of the local cowboys like an insufferable showoff.

Marie Kondo teaches us that in life there are four actions: Flask, loading-clip, Thompson, and revolver.

Haven't you ever seen a woman getting ready for a HOT DATE in a poisoner's haunted library?

Look, for a few years there people were really into The Matrix.

Everyone thinks Santa comes in through the chimney, but now we have conclusive proof of his actual point of ingress.

(grumbling) 'The things I do for that cube of ham.'

'Fahder! Mahder! I love my pillowless bed! I shall lie on top of ze covers and continue my lifelong impression of an anime bowling pin!'

My response when someone tells me there are actually five actions in life.

Buddy, I also make that exact face every time I'm forced to leave the house.

'Wait! Don't move! I dropped a contact. It's colored in a white and copper checkerboard marble pattern.'

This guy thinks he can just nonchalantly lay down on my ham cube wait for me to go away with his glasses on the back of his head. Well, he's right. Curses, outsmarted again!

Ah, how did this Quake 2 screenshot get in here, with my David Letterman skin?

Just a child standing perfectly still with that expression on her face, as a child does.

'Well, that was a close one. Thank goodness succubi monkeys are unable to climb stairs. Best to keep moving slowly, and not look behind me.'

Slay the Spire
This is the only game we're reviewing this week because it's probably the only game you need to buy this year. 10/10

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)

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