The Nibiruan Council, submitted by ulfserk. You know a website is going to be awesome when it starts out with, "Are you waiting for We are the Nibiruans, Book Two?" Well duh, of course I'm waiting for the "We Are the Nibiruans, Book Two!" I've been waiting for "We Are the Nibiruans, Book Two!" my entire life! Just yesterday my mother called me up and asked what I was doing and I replied, "I'm waiting for 'We Are the Nibiruans, Book Two!' and I'd really appreciate it if you left me the hell alone!" Then I slammed the phone down and threw it out the window and moved because, quite honestly, I can't stand it when people interrupt my waiting for "We Are the Nibiruans, Book Two" or any other highly-anticipated Nibiruan-related novel. Book one of this fantastic series details the author's first contact with "Devin," who is apparently a space alien or some guy at the local weed wacker repair store. Like any reliable source of galactic information, Devin communicates to the author through her dreams, informing her of awesome shit like how to spread peace throughout the galaxy and why George Bush is evil or awesome or however they feel about George Bush. I'm guessing it's not very coherent because, quite honestly, I can't locate anything on this site that is.

Back in 1996, I began the work of Project Earth Shift (PSE). PSE was the name given to the plan created by the 9D Nibiruan Council to assist Earth through ascension. This plan consisted of various projects. Each project lasted from 1-3 years. The projects involved either creating electromagnetic grids, making templates, education, emotional clearing, DNA Recoding, or a combination of two or more of these.

The plan was to be carried out in phases, each one lasting about 3 years. In early 1997 I was informed that we had 3 years to complete the first phase. That meant that by the end of 2000 we had to be at a certain point in the work. We accomplished that goal with two months to spare.

Well geez, good job with that! Next time I need somebody to work on my 9D Earth shifting project, I know who to call! If I pay for a 9D Earth shift, do I also get a copy of "The Polarity Integration Game," featuring "Devin channeled through Jelaila?" I'd sure hope so, or else the Nibiruan Council is going to lose valuable potential clients to more appealing alien-based outer space religious cults.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

More Awful Link of the Day

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.