Before you even get a chance to absorb the atrocious design, HE appears -- the floating bald man who introduces you to Mr. Bottles, encourages you to "cruise the Web site," then vanishes as abruptly and mysteriously as he arrived. In the unlikely case that this ghost didn't send you away screaming, I'd like to assure you that he won't resurface again while you're visiting the Mr. Bottles Hall of Fame, in which this "hog wild" (site's joke) bottle is enshrined.

The incredible pottery stoneware Hermann figural pig bottle is truly one of the premier Wisconsin bottles of any style, shape or form. This pottery pig bottle is spectacular in every regard.

In the FAQ section, you can ask the experts about the going price for a bottle from 1872, found in Paramus, NJ "perfectley intack." (Apparently $10 - $80, once you've found the hypothetical bottle buyer.) There's also a "Bottle Talk" forum, as dramatized by this illustration of a talking bottle being terrorized by one of the Internet's ubiquitous cats.

You can even purchase Mr. Bottles merchandise to show your support for "the best Wisconsin antique bottle collecting website in the world," which clearly demonstrates that the smartest way to be the "best ... in the world" is to fill the space denoted by that ellipsis with the most obscure, ludicrously specific accomplishment you can conjure.

Typical bottle enthusiast.

– Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller

More Awful Link of the Day

This Week on Something Awful...

  • We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human

    We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human

    It's true. Grimace is human. God help us, we did our best for him.

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.