Can any harm come to people by reverse speech?

Unfortunately, the answer is yes if used incorrectly and without due care.

So far, it seems that the only harmful effects have been suffered by the Founder and Developer of Reverse Speech Technologies himself, David John Oates. Oates describes "harassment in the form of an arson house fire and death threats." Why would someone want to silence the owner of an obscure business that attempts to find hidden messages in recorded speech by playing it backward using proprietary reversing machines? Because these recordings contain "absolute truths" your conscious mind -- and modern society as a whole -- isn't ready to handle!

Oates' claims about his "Nobel calibre" research might sound absurd, but he provides plenty of empirical evidence. For example, by dissecting hours of speech from assorted public figures, he was able to find and isolate a few garbled snippets that, when played in slow-motion reverse, kind of, sort of sound like actual words! Apparently, the President has a low opinion of the electorate, and Courtney Love and Paris Hilton are even less eloquent backward.

Barak (sic) Obama: "It's time to stand up and reach for what's possible because together people who love their country can change it" Reverse speech: "But you fuck it up."

Courtney Love: "I think that's what the stage diving was about. Alright, kill me, crucify me, get me, tear my breasts off." "Heal the gargle."

Paris Hilton: "I think in life everyone makes mistakes and you have to learn and grow from them and I've been a little immature in the past and made some wrong choices" "That man fog."

– Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller

More Awful Link of the Day

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

  • SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.