Submitted by FAAAAAAAAAACEEEEEEEBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK
I live in St. Louis, Missouri. I am not particularly proud of this fact, as no man should be. We have an Arch that no one gives a fuck about, a terrible music scene and a bunch of breweries that produce beer not fit for pigs to shit in. St. Louis is such a backwards hellhole that the city still functions under a Civil War-era law that lets the governor control our police force to make sure we don't haul off and join the Confederacy. We are basically famous for producing absolutely worthless bands at the rate of 1 band per genre-du-jour (The Urge (ska), Gravity Kills (industrial), Stir (alternative), Ludo ("quirky" indie rock), Story of the Year (emo) and the list continues to grow), an utterly embarrassing football team and Becky, Queen of Carpet.
Oh? You haven't heard of Becky, Queen of Carpet? Well, I'll just have to fix that right now! Ladies and germs, THIS is a Becky, Queen of Carpet (and her cohorts Wanda, Princess of Tiles and King Drinks-a-Lot):
In St. Louis, our motto is "go big, or go home". When we want to have a shitty football team, we have one so shitty it's a national laughing stock. When we want to produce shitty music, we simply say Steve Ewing's name 3 times into a mirror at midnight and he appears and hints at (or more aptly, "threatens") an Urge reunion. And when we want shitty, low-budget, public access-quality commercials for a local business, we get Becky to pose in front of a green screen.
When she's not flying around on a magic carpet (the "magic" being how anything not made from solid titanium could support her bulk), Becky also likes to produce boring-ass 9 minute long snorefests that come as close to a full length movie as you're likely to see from a local, low budget ad featuring a morbidly obese carpet huckster.
Mostly, though, Becky does like to fly around on a magic carpet like Aladdin (or, more aptly, Aladdin Need Of A Gastric Bypass)...
...though she does switch things up occasionally by jumping off the Gateway Arch. There's a certain sadness to these commercials. Becky clearly never wanted to be Queen of Carpet, but unfortunately, the Carpet Kingdom is a hereditary monarchy and she is powerless to change her own destiny: a life of soul crushingly boring immortality broken only by her own frequent, futile attempts to end her own miserable existence.
Wanda has clearly seen this all before and has developed a sort of dark, reverse-gallows humor about the whole affair. She knows Becky is unable to put herself out of her own misery and, secure in the fact that the Carpet Kingdom is in no danger of a crisis of succession resulting from Becky's suicidal depression, she is content to watch from the sidelines as Becky hurls her massive frame to the waiting earth below again and again while making snarky comments about Becky's weight as she recovers from yet another fruitless plummet. Yes, Wanda. Becky's dress does have a lot of padding. It's called her body you cold, callous bitch.
There is a happy ending to this story, though! As you may have noticed, these ads are from the 90's. What does Becky look like today, you may ask?
Uh. Wow. I guess there's really only two things I can say here.
1) DEM TITTIES
2) AWFULVISION IS BACK, MOTHERBITCHES!
You know the drill, but in case you forgot, submit stupid/awesome/horrible videos here and I crack wise about them. So hit up my inbox, motherfuckers, because after a surprisingly large amount of emails and requests to trot this particular horse back from the glue factory, we are back! And as always, feel free to check out our YouTube channel for some of your favorite terrible videos from the past! Brand new for 2012, you can also like us on Facebook and post stupid videos of fat kids dressed up like animu foxes or whatever. See you jerks next time!
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
Were you enjoying your day? STOP! There is outrageous crap going on you need to know about!
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!