Welcome to a very special episode of AwfulVision. Not special in the sense that every sitcom in the 80's had an episode dealing with drug abuse and called it a "very special episode", but rather special in the sense that we're going to be spotlighting the worst fucking thing I've ever seen on Youtube and possibly the only person who could possibly convince me that eugenics is a good idea. I'm sure plenty of you are disappointed that you won't get to see Alf deal with heroin addiction, but I promise what lays in store for you is just as loathsome.
Last week, we featured a video by a disgusting fat girl vlogging about her sex life on Youtube. Of course, this may not strike you as odd initially since every vlogger on Youtube is a disgusting fat girl talking about her sex life. So, to refresh your memory, I'm referring to this video:
As I finished up the column, no doubt with visions of Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka's gold-plated dollars dancing their way into my pocket, I could have never imagined what was in store for me!
Before we proceed, I'm going to let you all in on a little known Internet secret and I want you to keep it in mind while you read this article. You're jealous. You. Right now. You reading this. You're jealous. Jealousy is the only reason people do anything on the internet. Post a vlog on Youtube? You're just jealous of whatever the vlog is about. Respond to the vlog? You're jealous of the person who posted the vlog. Write mocking Youtube reviews on a comedy website? You're the most jealous of all.
I, too, am apparently jealous. I'm not sure what, or whom I'm jealous of, but trust me I am. I mean, people have told me this many a time in the course of this article (alongside the standard "You aren't funny" emails) and if you can't trust people who have an emotional stake in writing off their own inadequacies by transferring them to others, who can you trust?
A thousand years ago, dudes were dying from splinters, but now the wizard potion that cleans our light wounds costs less than a Dr. Pepper in 1994. I love this medicinal 7up.
U2 and Apple have conspired to place a U2 album into your music in the year 2014. You own a U2 album. And you can't get rid of it.
Ron Paul spins in his chair, trying to grab his decorative antique musket but Freddy gets it first.
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!