Hello and welcome to another week of AwfulVision™! This is possibly the best week ever: there will be videos posted and perhaps even words written regarding those videos. We will laugh, cry, and rejoice in our failings and the failings of ourselves as a race. There will also be punch and pie afterwards, so make sure to stick around for the after party.
We start this week with a video that needs no introduction - and I don't say that because it's Kiss™'s Paul Stanley doing something overtly sexual with girls. No, this video needs no introduction because it's another goddamn video that someone uploaded because haha... it's ironic... haha ha....
When doing the Paul Stanley Excercise Program, be sure to carb your shit up with some rohypnol!For those of you who don't keep track of Youtube statistics as I'm forced to while Lowtax holds a gun to my mothers head, ironic videos account for something like 105% of the videos on Youtube. I realize, of course, that most of you aren't math wizards like I am, so that's basically saying that if tomorrow 5% of Youtube's "ha ha it's ironic!" videos vanished from the face of the earth to join our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ as he battles Hitler in Hell, Youtube would still be composed entirely of ironic videos.
Whatever happened to just laughing at things for their own merits? I mean, I think this video is hilarious but not hilarious in the way that makes me want to pause my From First To Last mp3 I have queued up on Winamp, swoop my emo bangs out of my face and think to myself "Holy SHIT, what if Hot Topic sold a shirt of this?!"
This video is hilarious because Paul Stanley has sex with lots of girls and probably has VD. It is a very real possibility that he is suffering from dementia brought on by end-stage syphilis, and to add insult to penis injury, It possibly burns whenever he pees and whenever he doesn't pee (but not nearly as badly as the thought of his own irrelevance apparently burns in the back of his mind).
And that, my friends, is real comedy.
"So funny. Paul is such a homo. Hahaha."
"Jesus Christ loves you."
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
Were you enjoying your day? STOP! There is outrageous crap going on you need to know about!
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!