Hello and welcome to another week of AwfulVision™! This is possibly the best week ever: there will be videos posted and perhaps even words written regarding those videos. We will laugh, cry, and rejoice in our failings and the failings of ourselves as a race. There will also be punch and pie afterwards, so make sure to stick around for the after party.
We start this week with a video that needs no introduction - and I don't say that because it's Kiss™'s Paul Stanley doing something overtly sexual with girls. No, this video needs no introduction because it's another goddamn video that someone uploaded because haha... it's ironic... haha ha....
When doing the Paul Stanley Excercise Program, be sure to carb your shit up with some rohypnol!For those of you who don't keep track of Youtube statistics as I'm forced to while Lowtax holds a gun to my mothers head, ironic videos account for something like 105% of the videos on Youtube. I realize, of course, that most of you aren't math wizards like I am, so that's basically saying that if tomorrow 5% of Youtube's "ha ha it's ironic!" videos vanished from the face of the earth to join our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ as he battles Hitler in Hell, Youtube would still be composed entirely of ironic videos.
Whatever happened to just laughing at things for their own merits? I mean, I think this video is hilarious but not hilarious in the way that makes me want to pause my From First To Last mp3 I have queued up on Winamp, swoop my emo bangs out of my face and think to myself "Holy SHIT, what if Hot Topic sold a shirt of this?!"
This video is hilarious because Paul Stanley has sex with lots of girls and probably has VD. It is a very real possibility that he is suffering from dementia brought on by end-stage syphilis, and to add insult to penis injury, It possibly burns whenever he pees and whenever he doesn't pee (but not nearly as badly as the thought of his own irrelevance apparently burns in the back of his mind).
And that, my friends, is real comedy.
"So funny. Paul is such a homo. Hahaha."
"Jesus Christ loves you."
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!