Canadian scientists are proud to annouce the greatest achievement in human history: the successful splicing of the DNA from a walrus, an athiest libertarian and John Belushi. Experts speculate that the creature, dubbed "TristanPEJ", will likely either attack Tokyo or register a Something Awful forum account.
"Recently, our American collegues have mapped the human genome and have gone a long way towards determining our genetic potential. We, on the other hand, don't have nearly as much time on our hands what with it being hockey season and all, so we devoted ourselves to studying the human potential to be a complete failure. I could go into more detail, but I think our results speak for themselves".
When reached for comment, the recently spawned abomination had only this to say: "DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR."
In totally unrelated news, Baconator stock soared today along with quiet speculation of a possible long-term shortage while the price of oil has dropped to a mere 50 cents per barrel. A spokesman from OPEC stated that the price reduction was due to "new, untapped drilling opportunities in TristanPEJ's hair".
"Fakedramaqueen sucks. Does that mean you can't be friends with him? No. Would I be friends with someone who was going after my friends? I would probably look into the matter and take sides. And if the issue was a really big one, I would probably build up extreme dislike for the person who was wrong from my point of view, and so, ultimately, what I'm trying to say is: Yes, I will judge people by their actions towards others. But I respect your point of view and I can see where you're coming from."
"I have no real problem with most of the people you mentioned.
My only problem with FakeSagan is that all he does is "pwnage" videos, and I think they well, suck, not so much that they suck at "pwning", but that I don't come on to watch just "pwnage" videos. When he starts to make videos like his older ones, I'll probably start watching him again. "
"I like VH, but not fakesagan. I have friends who do like fakesagan too. And I like Jude, who doesn't like VH. And vice versa. Frankly, it's childish to hate because of friends."
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!