Hey, kids, Mayor Wilkins here with the Goldmine. I've got a throbbing headache because of all this Michael Jackson bullshit. People won't stop trying to talk to me about it, and I can't seem to get it through their heads that I don't care if he's a sexless clown factory or a creepy white pedophile she-man, as long as he just goes away and I never have to hear about him again. Between him and Terri Schiavo, Scott Peterson, that blonde girl who was making out with some dude and wound up getting her ass kidnapped in Aruba, and OJ Simpson, I'm just about ready to see our entire news media system collapse in an all-consuming ball of cleansing fire, and I'm hoping it'll take a large chunk of our televised legal entertainment system with it.
Anyway, back to the topic of kids. When you were in elementary school, you knew some serious freakshows. You know the kind of kid I'm talking about. The kind of kid who would eat his own shit if you dared him to. The kind of kid who sat in the corner and spoke to himself in tongues. The kid everyone made fun of. A lot of you were that kid, which should make this week's Goldmine even more special, since I expect a few of you to recognize yourselves in these stories.
Oh, and before I go any further, don't send me stories. This is a one-shot deal made from a thread on the Something Awful forums, not a call for submissions. If you send me your crazy story, I will not put it up on the site. I'm just saying this because the Goldmine seems to confuse people, and you all seem to think that either every single Goldmine story actually happened to me, or I'm taking submissions. It's neither!I always feel vaguely bad when people send me things, hoping I'll use them. I feel like I'm disappointing people. Don't make me feel that way, please.
So forum member Fred Breakfast came up with a great idea for a thread - let's tell stories about the crazy kids we went to elementary school with! And as you'd guess, not only did everyone contribute, but quite a few of the submissions were from people saying "oh God, I was the freakish kid..."
I don't know why it came to my mind, but today I was reminded of all these weird kids in Elementary School that of course did weird things. They weren't the special education kids either. They just did weird things that would boggle your mind.
For instance: throughout all of my time in elementary school there was this one kid who would go to the bathroom so he could poop. But he had a phobia of water splashing up his crack or something like that. I say this because he would go into the stall, take down his pants, and while still standing, proceed to shit on the floor right in front of the toilet. It was weird when you would go to the bathroom and you would see a burgundy loaf on the floor of the bathroom. And it was always in the same bathroom.
The funny part is when a bunch of us (that's me and the classmates) caught him in the act as we saw the shit plop on the floor with a small thud. The kid came out of the stall looking all cool and going "Hey guys, what's up?" and for some reason, none of us pointed out the fact that he had just taken a goddamn shit on the floor. We didn't even tell the teachers because the guy was making conversation with us (and we just wanted to empty our bladders).
There was this girl who for a good year was convinced she was a dog. She would go around howling and trying to run on all four limbs, but it never really worked that well. She also got angry when you called her a "watermelon". We obviously called her that every day atleast 5 or 6 times.
We used to have a kid that would have the creepy janitor wipe his ass. He was in like the fifth grade, so this was weird. And the janitor would leave the stall door open, I guess to make sure everybody knew no monkey business was going on. So you'd walk in, and bam - kid's ass pointed at you while the janitor wiped it.
Well back in Elementary school we had a deciplinary system known as "Color Changes" we had all of our names on a little board with slips of paper, we all started with green slips at the beginning of the day. If we did something bad the teacher would go tell us to change our color. Yellow was the second one and it was just a warning, red was next and it meant staying in for the next recess and blue/black meant going to the principle and getting a pink-slip (write up)
Whenever this one kid would get a color change he would make some weird noise like "Mahhhhh!" and change his from green to black even though he only had to go to yellow. He would also scribble all over papers that the teacher handed back to him and give them back to her.
He was a born rebel, rock on Chris Moddiset!
There was a miget in my 6th grade class. He was famous for being crazy. One day he took his metal edge rule and ran it along his wooden desk, that by the end of the day he was covered in sawdust.
Another time he covered him self is chalk dust. I don't remember why, but I remember that he got in trouble for it.
Man, that kid loved being covered in dust.
I knew a girl who simply refused to ever take her coat off. Ever. She was also prone to very violent outbursts for no reason whatsoever.
Bumped into her some years later, turns out she's schizophrenic. Ended up getting commited for trying to burn the coat she never took off. Yes, she was indeed still wearing it.
Oh man, do I have a bunch. There was one kid, who we'll call Jim. Jim was Saudi Arabian, as far as we could tell -- he had very slurred speech, and always seemed a bit... dumb. He was in my 4th and 5th grade classes; nearly every day, without warning, the smell of fecal matter would begin to fill the classroom, with Jim at the epicenter. He would then mysteriously disappear and return 15 minutes later with a different pair of pants on.
People used to tease that kid endlessly; I contributed for a while but decided to stop after I realized that tormenting someone who's already troubled enough is completely pointless and pretty evil. Rumor had it that Jim's parents were cousins. It was verified by students as well as parents/teachers.
This other kid, who we'll call Rich... for the entire time I knew him (probably about 10 years), every time I walked by him he reeked of cat urine. He wasn't particularly weird in any other way... it's just that he never did anything about it.
The best stories I have come from this kid who we'll call Steve. Now there are dorky looking kids everywhere, but Steve was the pinnacle of dorkiness. He had greasy carrot-red straight hair, glasses, freckles, and to make matters worse, he had oversized tonsils which caused his voice to sound similar to Mickey Mouse (or a low-pitched Mickey Mouse when puberty hit). This kid was tormented, I mean, every day must have been hell for him. I didn't have much exposure to him in elementary school, he was just that dork who got his school picture taken in his boy scouts uniform. But in middle school, he started hanging around with my two close buds, and rather than pushing him away as they SHOULD have, they let him buzz around them and do ridiculous things. This kept going on through high school, nearly up through graduation. Their reason for keeping him around (even inviting him to go to movies with them): "He keeps things interesting. It's fun to slap him around."
I'd talk more at length about Steve, but the thread is about Elementary school.
I was quite a crazy in elementary school. Ritalin sure did a number on me.
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
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The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.