Hello again, folks. I'm back from my vacation, and I had a lovely time in a foreign country seeing wonderful sights, one of which was a very steep and wet hill which I wound up tumbling down, but not on purpose. So now I'm back, and my wounds are healed, and it's time for another Goldmine. And a special thanks to OMGWTFBBQ for putting in a special guest appearance last week, which he agreed to do because he is awesome.
I searched long and hard for a theme for this week's Goldmine. I really probed every hole I could find, I just pushed on, cocksure that I'd find a good theme. I didn't want to stiff you this week, and now I'm really ashamed about all these really stupid puns, since this week's Goldmine is genital-themed, and I'm not really being even half as clever as I'd like to be.
Forum goon mofolotopo started a thread this weekend inviting people to compare their genitals to cars. Surprisingly enough, people actually did it. Which is great, because I was starting to think that I wasn't going to be able to find anything for this week's Goldmine. So thanks, mofolotopo, for saving my ass.
My penis is like the Hummer H2: it's massive, imposing, and inefficient. Despite its fearsome appearance, it falls apart when it sees any serious use, and is mostly used by soccer moms.
My vagina is like a limousine: beautiful, elegant, and available on a temporary basis to any rich prick who flies into town. Also available for young couples on prom night. Comfortably seats 6.
My penis is like a scooter; it's kind of small and your friends would laugh at you if they knew you rode it, but it's a lot of fun to ride and it's a lot more powerful than it looks.
My wang is like my '98 Honda CRV. It's large enough without being too big. Nice looking, but nothing too flashy. It's getting a little older now, but still performs well since I have it serviced regularly.
My penis is larger than any contemporary or (plausible) future form of human transportation vehicle. Therefore, I cannot compare it to such a vehicle.
Right now my vagina is like a vintage Mustang that sits in the garage and occassionally gets started up to make sure it works but really hasn't been driven in a while.
My vagina is like a Studebaker: functional but unsightly and not proportional to the human body.
My cock is is a P601 Trabant: small, slow, ineffective. My 26 bhp motor really let's you know I mean business.
Mine is like a Pinto. It's fairly small and had to be removed after an incident at a party that left two people dead and me without any facial hair.
My penis is like my 99 Mustang GT, it is yellow, scratched up, and it rattles like hell when you put a stereo in it.
I'm like a camry, average but very reliable with high user satisfaction ratings. Also been driven alot in the US and Asia.
My penis is like a Ford Focus station wagon: Middling size, with good horsepower for its class and great handling.
My ass is like a Miata...no straight man would ever be caught dead in it...except maybe my father.
My cock is like my Buick: It's big, but not too big, comfortable for people over 6'4", it gets decent mileage, has a few dents, and is blue.
My balls are like a pimped out '64 Impala: Huge and touch the ground. And Gangstas love them.
My genitals are most like a Honda Civic with rims, a spoiler, a big ass mufler, but no engine upgrades what-so-ever, asian kids love it.
My penis is like a 1999 Hyundai Sonata. It works and while i've never driven the car in question, I assume it, like my penis, is visually decent.
My penis is like a concept car, its only used for lots of test drives.
My penis is like a Morris Minor, you have to start it by hand and jump on when it get's going.
My wang is a Ford Pinto: rust covered and prone to explosions.
my penis is like a Chevy Aveo. Looks small at first, but upon closer inspection, damn theres a lot of room in there. (I'm a grower not a shower.)
My penis is like an old Ford Fiesta; old, ugly, rarely used, and emits a lot of fumes.
My penis is like my current car--the 1993 Eagle Summit Wagon (it looks like a mini-minivan.) It's bigger than most other vehicles on the road, but not so big as it makes it difficult to get into tight parking spaces. Unfortunately, most people laugh when they see it.
My cock is like a non-riced Civic. Plain and ordinary but gets the job done.
My penis is like an austin mini. Small but women say its cute and it was the basis of many motion pictures.
My penis is like a '71 Hemi Cuda..fast as hell, all original, washed weekly and dried and waxed with a diaper, only used once a month, and never any passengers because they might scuff the interior or scratch the finish.
This is your typical consumer model throne. If you just want a cheap prop, it's fine. If you want to actually sit like a king, pony up the cash and get yourself a prosumer model. This entry level stuff is more for a duke or baron at best.
Do you wish to know what computers will be doing in the year to come? With a sigh I shall exert the minimal effort it takes to reveal all. Feel free to print out these predictions and share them with your friends via fax.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.