Enjoy Crazy Dad Stories!
So here is a crazy dad story: Stardate, Christmas 1972.
Where I grew up, an occasional wintertime activity was "hopping cars". The back roads would be covered in compacted and polished snow and become very slick.. just like ice. Kids would stand by the side of the road and wait for a car to drive by. When it did, the kids would hurl themselves at the back bumper and hold tight. If they did it right they would be pulled along in a squatting position, hanging onto the bumper and sliding on the soles of their feet. It was dangerous, and it was something that my siblings and I were forbidden to try. Actually, most kids never tried it, only a few would do it consistently year after year.
Anyway, my dad was an ex-cop and still had the authoritarian attitude that he still must enforce laws and proper behavior even if it wasn't his job anymore. When he saw kids and teens hopping cars he would get angry and yell at them. They pretended to listen to him, but would be back hopping cars as soon as he left. This would vex my father terribly. He became obsessed with controlling their behavior.
He thought the best way to make them obey was to teach them a lesson and make them all pay. "They'll hop and they'll hop and they'll hop hop hop hop...." And the more my dad thought of this car hopping flop, the more my dad said "I must make this all STOP! Why for forty-three years I've put up with it now! I MUST stop car hoppings from happening...BUT HOW?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea! My dad got a wonderful, awful idea!
Evil Cooper and Chechen President Ramzan Kadyrov have both been on a rampage, but who did what?
"Your left eye," the optometrist casually explained while blasting my face with a blue laser at point blank range, "is farsighted and shaped like an eyeball. The other eye is nearsighted and shaped like a football. Not even a good football."
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.