Let me get your opinions on my numerical system. It's still in the preliminary phase, but I plan on giving it a test run:

I'm going to put my dick in this hat.

I'll flop it around until numbers stick to it, and then write down those numbers.
I'm just worried about paper-cuts. Any suggestions?

Lotto picks to follow, this evening.


If there are any cuts, be sure to apply direct pressure to the bleeding, then cleanse the area with an iodine-type solution (i.e. Betadine) or an alcohol swab. Probably avoid use of a tourniquet, unless you're into that sort of thing.

If you strain it, apply ice, compression, elevate it and rest. Consider making a sling with a triangular bandage.

If you break it, make a splint out of tongue depressors and a bandage. Then go to the hospital and the good doctors will put it in a cast.


I was thinking about my hat method, and it occurred to me that there must be a more effective way of doing this; something that grants my penis free reign over the fates. I mean, flopping around is nice, but what I would really like to see is my dong choosing from high above. This would ensure that each pick is a genuine reflection of my penis' foresight.

To make this happen, however, I must enlist the help of you kind, science-minded goons.

My afternoon theories didn't make it very far, as I realized they were stupid and scrapped them before testing. In several cases, abandoning the experiment was certainly the wisest choice, in terms of health risk.

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

  • The Fandangling Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    The Fandangling Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    'We’re going to be in trouble!' Little Sister wailed, clutching her favorite book to her chest and sobbing. 'This isn’t fun like a story anymore!' But Big Sister was not listening, she was thinking. She grabbed Little Sister’s book from her and ran into town, yelling 'Help! A book made me and my sister hurt someone!'

  • Enter: the Lead Loremaster

    Enter: the Lead Loremaster

    I've been wanting to meet you all for the past few weeks, but I guess I cut an intimidating figure. I'm the new guy, with the cool job you've all surely been gossiping about. Yep, I'm the Lead Loremaster, and I'm here to enrich everything we do with much-needed lore.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.