Occasionally, cruel fate catches even the best of us unprepared, leaving just a spot on the sidewalk, a mark on the street. Due to one such catastrophic happenstance, I have commandeered Comedy Goldmine, which this week explores the Forum Goons' random disasters. Some of them sound painful, while others are just hilarious.
So I wake up after after tossing and turning all night long. It feel like I could use another five hours of sleep, but it's just not coming. After lying awake looking at the back of my eyelids for 10 minutes, I give up and go into the den. Maybe I can fall asleep while watching some TV.
I flop down onto my super comfortable couch and pull the blanket that I keep draped over it onto me, still feeling drowsy from the lack of sleep. I flick on the tv, and watch.
About thirty seconds pass before I feel a weird itch in between my legs. As I'm moving my hand down to scratch, it feels like someone just jammed a giant needle right through my inner thigh and probed around. I'm up in an instant, in a mix of confusion and pain. While jumping up I tossed my blanket across the room, and as I look up I see a giant bee hovering up slowly from the folds of the blanket.
A fucking bee stung me. In my apartment, laying on my couch, under my favorite blanket. A fucking Bee.
Cogito Ergo Absum
How about sitting on the living room couch, which I had been sleeping on for a few weeks because it was the only place in the house not crawling with ants and spiders, and starting to read a book when suddenly seeing a small spider come dropping onto the pillow 4 inches away from me. I understandably jumped up and away and as I was standing looking for where the fucker went, my vision moved upward to discover a motherfucking huge spider dangling from a single web strand, two feet above where I had just been sitting. Upon closer inspection I noticed a small spider clinging onto the motherfucking huge spider and the two were duking it out.
So I had a spider fall on me which had been hanging onto a bigger spider above me which had yet another spider hanging onto it.
Once when I was about fourteen I woke up and tried to get out of bed, only to flop onto the floor. My alarm is going off because it's 5:30 AM, I've been awake for less than three seconds, and I realize I am paralyzed from the waste down and can neither move nor feel my ass or legs.
Commence about thirty seconds of mindless horror and panic going through my head as I lay on the floor and grip my legs tightly, as if to keep them attached. Finally, I can get my left leg to at least jerk around a bit, but as soon as I start feeling relieved that both my legs had somehow just fallen asleep, I got the worst pins and needles in the universe as my circulation and feeling came back.
They lasted for about ten minutes, and it was literally the most physical agony I've ever endured. It hurt worse and was more uncomfortable than shattering my metacarpal and tearing the tendons between my forefinger and thumb, combined. Still no idea how I managed to get my entire lower body to fall asleep like that.
I once was jolted awake one morning by my ceiling fan making a horrible noise. The noise, it turns out was a loose fan blade striking the ceiling, causing the fan to wobble and then buck up and down uncontrollably. After a brief moment of that one of the blades snapped off of its position and struck me, lying in bed 10 feet away, directly in the face. I'm not making this up and to date it's the most bizzare and unlucky thing that's ever happened to me. The outside edge of the wooden "blade" struck me right on the lip; I was so stunned by the random and nigh-impossible chance of the entire thing occurring that I didn't even notice the pain of it.
Mummy, is this an electric fence like I hear about in stories?
Probab- uh, I mean, I'm sure it's not, try it and see.
Mum's friends: *snigger*
*grab* *BAM* Waaaaaaaah!
Ha, I guess it was electric. Come on, let's go.
I said come on, stop whining.
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.