We here at Something Awful like to pretend we're Internet pioneers, fighting a never ending war for peace, truth, justice, and the complete annihilation of all furries. We see through the flimsy lies spread by the CIA, FBI, NCAA, and Boy Scouts of America. We're vigilantes fighting a war against ignorance, one which may only be won through Photoshopping images and typing out things like "LOL" repeatedly. In today's Tuesday Goldmine, a select group of SA Forum Goons stumbled upon rare, unreleased footage of the JFK assassination and revealed some exciting new theories regarding the murder and personal life of America's most beloved president. Thanks to a little miraculous device known as a "computer machine," they were able to piece together vital evidence which proves - beyond a shadow of a doubt - that the SA Forum Goons have far too much time and talent on their hands. Anyway, along with the conspiracies!

Antagonist shows what really offed Oswald; something far more deadly than any handgun.

Cinders knows that JFK lived life one quarter of a mile at a time. Until he was shot, that is.

Dorquemada displays Oswalds impressive sniping skills. Why didn't the CIA recognize this beforehand?

Dorquemada prefers to keep his sticky fingers out of a potentially dangerous situation.

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Freakypizza: The Sweater Curse

    Freakypizza: The Sweater Curse

    Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.

  • Spout.ly Drinking Fountain Enthusiast Lingo

    Spout.ly Drinking Fountain Enthusiast Lingo

    Can't tell a drinking fountain from a urinal? We've got you covered. Brush up on your drinking fountain enthusiast -- or sipper -- vocabulary and learn to talk and swap sips with the best of them.

Copyright ©2015 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.