It is with tremendous and heartfelt sadness that I write to inform you that Craig "Russ" Russell will no longer be writing the Comedy Goldmine. He is, I am afraid, dead. Quite dead. He went peacefully, in his sleep, crushed to death by his ceiling and walls, which had been caused to implode by meticulously placed explosives which I had secretly hidden along stress points in his flat. I think we can all agree that this was a terrible accident, and that the true culprit, insofar as there is one, is gravity, for it was that obstinate force which caused the walls to fall upon him, when I had only meant to let a bit more light in. It is a senseless tragedy which nothing could have been done to prevent.
So it is with a heavy heart and ringing ears that I bring to you this week's Comedy Goldmine. Some of you may recall this old Comedy Goldmine, written by dear Russ in a happier and less two-dimensional time, which documented two goons who made a small house entirely of meat. It was not long before those goons decided that the time for a peaceful life of plaque had passed, and so they embarked upon a naval adventure to make a ship of meat. This Lovecraftian horror stirred memories in the minds of some goons, who, upon some quick research, came across a lost Seinfeld script entitled "The Meatship" covered in bbq sauce and hidden in the archives. Here it is, seen for the first time by mortal eyes, illustrated by goons, horrible to behold.
In early 1994, Seinfeld was at the height of its popularity. Co-creator Larry David, known for his dark sense of humor, wrote a surrealist episode which would have ran as episode 76 in late 1993. The episode was never filmed because the cast felt it was too frightening for prime time television, and Jason Alexander objected to putting raw meat in his mouth. What follows are the surviving excerpts from the script.
[INT - Monk's Diner, Day]
[Jerry and George are sitting at the booth eating lunch. Jerry has a salad, and George's plate is piled with different kinds of meat which he is devouring noisily]
Jerry: Well this is new.
George: [mouth full] This is all you really need Jerry. Meat!
Jerry: Yeah, that and Plavix. That stuff is clogging your arteries as we speak.
George: [Fist pump] Fill 'er up!
Jerry: I'm surprised they didn't need a team of oxen to haul all that meat to the table.
George: Maybe a meatcart. Or a meatloader.
Jerry: [Laughing] And how are they gonna bring it all to port? Gonna need some kind of meatvessel.
George: A meatship. [laughs and snorts]
Jerry: Maybe the ship itself is made of meat too. That way you could just eat it along with all the meat it brings you.
George: Yes! An edible food delivery service! This is what I should be doing, Jerry. First mate of the meatship, George Costanza!
Jerry: I'm afraid that ship has sailed.
George: Think of all the joy it could bring to the world. And it's clean...everything's edible, so there's no pollution.
Jerry: Kind of like a flesh version of Willa Wonka's Chocolate Factory.
[George seems lost in longing thought]
Jerry: Hey! How long has it been you've had a vegetable?
George: This morning. I had lettuce on my cheeseburgers.
Jerry: They're gonna need a meathearse comin up.
If that boy isn't willing to shoot his laser and get you that carbon, he's not worth your time.
REFORMED HOG - Former member of the swine family, has now agreed to behave like a proper dog. Free to patient home willing to overlook physical defects. 555-2519
Available in Large, which is actually a Medium stretched out to appear bigger.
If you're in a tight spot, this is going to be really helpful (I'M JOKING. I'M KIDDING AROUND)
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.