[INT - Jerry's Apartment - Day]
[Jerry is looking through his cupboard]
Jerry: Meat meat meat. What is the attraction to meat all of a sudden? I mean sure it has an abundance of protein, but think about it. It's the flesh of other living things. What's next? Eating little animals' souls? It's ghoulish.
[Kramer bursts through the door]
[Kramer seems disoriented and his skin is glistening with grease. He stumbles over to the couch]
Jerry: What's wrong with you?
Kramer: Yeah, yeah...meat. Yatata...meat...
Jerry: Meat, again?!
Kramer: Newman, meat. Jerry. Newman, meat, Jerry. Yeahh...
Jerry: Oh that's it. I'm going right over there and I'm gonna put a stop to this, this meat...CULT!!
[INT - Newman's Apartment - Day]
[Newman is crouched before an altar over which he has draped strips of bacon and skirt steaks]
Newman: Him?! You want me to convert him? But he's...my enemy?
Newman: [sighing] All right, fine. But you owe me big for this Ponderosa.
[A knock at Newman's door. He opens it and Jerry enters]
Jerry: All right, Newman! I've had enough of this! What did you do to George and Kramer?!
Newman: Nothing...they've...simply come around to a novel new way of thinking. A way to orient oneself in the world, Jerry.
Jerry: Well it stinks! [Noticing the altar] Oh my god.
Newman: What is the use of staying like you are, Jerry?
[Newman's mouth opens and raw hamburger meat projectiles out all over Jerry]
Newman: He came to us on a ship of meat, Jerry.
[INT - Elaine's Apartment - Night]
[Elaine is sleeping. Cut to dream sequence of Elaine giving birth with Jerry, the father, looking on.
Doctor: Push! Push!
[Elaine struggles to give birth. The baby comes out but the doctor looks horrified]
Elaine: What? What? Is something wrong with my baby?
Jerry: No Elaine. The child is perfect. It will be our cabin boy [voice distorts into deep inhuman tone] on the ship.
[Elaine looks down. She sees that her baby is a large meatloaf]
[Elaine wakes up screaming. She hears a knock at the door. Hesitantly she goes to it, looks out the peephole, and opens the door]
[Jerry George and Kramer enter. They are all covered in grease and sauce]
Jerry: Elaine, we have come with a gift. We want you to join us, the one, the many.
Elaine: We? [voice trembling] Jerry, what are you talking about?
Jerry: Join us, Elaine. Join us on the [voice distortion] ship of meat.
[We see that Jerry has developed acne]
Jerry: [Frazzled] I don't see what's so strange about meat. Cows eat the plants, then we eat the cows. So when you eat a cow, you're really getting a full nutritious meal. Don't you agree?
Elaine: [starting to back up] Well uh...not if you don't eat the entire thing.
Jerry: We do. Come, let us show you.
George: The wonders! Oh ho!
[Strange tentacles emerge from underneath their clothes]
Elaine: Are those...omelettes?
[Kramer, Jerry and George's meat tentacles grab Elaine.]
[Ext - Meatship deck, afternoon]
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.