Working in a video-game store, I can't help but snicker when I get asked if I have Worms, but that isn't so much a stupid question as it is me being an immature fuckwit.
OMG that reminds me!
When I was working as the security/door man at CompUSA a cute young girl walks up to me and flat out asks:
"Where are your BALLS at?"
looks embarrassed realizing what she just said "I mean B-A-W-L-S"
Of course she meant the shitty overpriced energy drink marketed at gamers. This was partly my fault but the way she just marched up to me and blurted out the question threw me off guard.
Of course the cashier was laughing his ass off. I joined him in the laugh after I pointed the girl to the stack of BAWLS.
For a short time "Where your balls at?" became a catch phrase.
There was once a customer at my store who would constantly ask if we were going to order a special item for her. It usually went like this:
Old lady: "So I heard that bear livers have a high amount of vitamin E in them, is that true?"
Store: "Yes, a toxic amount."
Old lady: "Well I need lots of vitamin E, could I just eat a little bit of the liver?"
Store: "No, you will die."
Old lady: "I'll be careful, can you order it for me?"
Store: "We won't sell you bear liver."
We had a hundred other ways of getting her the proper amount of vitamin E but she wanted bear liver for some reason.
"what time do you close tonight?"
No. We close at six dollars. You know, since "dollars" is an indication of time.
First off I work on a tier two Exchange help desk for my company. That makes this even better.
One day a woman called us looking to make reservations for Legal Sea Food. We told her she had the wrong number. She hung up and we thought that was it.
She calls back a few minutes later still getting the number wrong. So we humor her and take down her name, and phone number and a reservation for 9pm. It was a slow day so we called the correct number and made the reservation for her. But the only opening they had was at 930.
We called her back as the manger from the restaurant and begged if it would be ok to push her reservation back.
Not really that bad, but it help an afternoon go by faster.
I used to work at a movie gallery.
I actually had a guy honk at the store front for 5 minutes straight once. When I finally went out to see what the problem was, this is what he said:
"Hey feller, mind droppin' these in the box there for me?"
I'd never wanted to pee on a grown man until that moment.
I work in a computer lab that's just switched over from Novell to Active Directory so now the students have to change their password every 90 days. When their password has expired, a dialog box pops up with the message "Your password has expired and must be changed." and an "OK" button. At this point, I usually get called over and the conversation goes something like this:
: This computer won't let me log in!
: Okay, what seems to be the problem?
: I dunno, it says something about my password.
: Your password has expired and must be changed?
: Yeah! Do I have to change my password to use the computer?
: *blank stare*
: Click OK.
They click OK and the "Change Password" dialog pops up. It has four fields: "Username" and "Old Password" (already filled in), "New Password" and "Confirm New Password".
: *blank stare*
: Type in a new password.
: Can it be the same as my old password?
Not knowing about computers is fine but is it that hard to read and follow simple directions?
Me on the phone doing the standard greeting:
Me: Thank you for calling 24 hour Walgreens, Tom speaking, how may I help you?
Customer: What time do you close?
Me: ....We're open 24 hours.
Customer: Oh, because I need to get some prescriptions filled, will you be open at midnight?
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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