Last weekend we had a party of ~500 at the hotel, and I was tending one of the mobile bars. Now, for there are many drinks one can order, you'll usually have a fuckload of different glasses as well. Plenty of them, actually. So, it's pretty strange to come up to me and ask: "Do you have a glass for me?"
... Well, yeah, I certainly do. I hand her a waterglass.
Guest: No, that's not what I meant!
Guest: Wineglass! Wineglass!
Me: *hands her a wineglass* There you go, ma'am!
Guest: No, I want WINE in it!
Me: Okay, what kind of wine would you like to have?
Me: (Oh God) ... Dry or sweet?
Jezus Christ in a merry-go-round! You really expect me to read your mind??
Me: "Hi, I'm calling on behalf of Smithtown Lincoln Mercury may I..."
IQ=10: "Is this a recording?!"
Me: "No, I am not a recording, Sir. May I please speak to..."
IQ=2: "I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!!"
Since the Scarface and other games came up, I'm forced to reiterate why I hate my town...
When I worked at a movie theatre that was showing the first Scary Movie film, we had MULTIPLE signs up all over the place about the film being a STRONG R and not recommended for children under the age of 17. We only did this on a few films, but it pretty much spelled out the content of the film and how it was in no way for children of any age.
So, a mom comes in with her kids, young kids, and asks about the content of the film, if it was okay for kids to see. I tell her, as I am pointing to what we have put on the signs, and explain that it is REALLY NOT suitable for children under 17 due to some very graphic scenes, sexual situations, and language. I'm as blunt as I can be in front of a pair of young children, honestly.
"Oh, it can't be THAT bad... Gimme the tickets! Let's go, kids!"
So, about 30 minutes later, she's dragging the kids out of the theatre, wanting a refund, and copping an attitude that it was our fault. You asked the question, we told you the answer, you didn't believe us! WTF?!
This happened last night:
= customer, = me
Thanks for choosing Arby's, please order when you're ready.
I'll have a cobb salad! (we have never, in the entire history of the franchise, offered a cobb salad)
I'm sorry sir, we don't have cobb salads. If you'll look on the left-hand side of the menu board, however, you'll see the salads we do have.
Well can ya MAKE me a cobb salad?
Hold on a moment, sir. (I ask the food-prep guy what a cobb salad is and if he can make one. He informs me that we cannot due to the lack of eggs and avocado)
No, we don't have the proper ingredients.
At this point I am rather frustrated with this gentleman who appears to be on a par, in terms of intelligence, with a jar of old mayonnaise. Luckily I am gifted with the ability to be quite eloquent on the fly. Well, sir, unfortunately the nuances of the menu mean that we have no reason whatsoever to stock eggs or avocado, thus making it impossible to create a proper cobb salad. However, there are a number of other restaurants in this area, many of which are far superior to this one. (it's a good thing my supervisor can't hear me) Sadly, most of those lack the convenience and modern impersonality of a drive-thru window, but in my opinion that is but a small price to pay for the almost God-like glory that is a proper cobb salad. You have a nice day.
The worst part of tech support is when people get indignant.
"Listen I am not your average dumb customer so don't patronize me"
"I....wasn't planning to?"
"Okay here's the deal, my internet is out and I know what the problem is, it's the port forwarding settings so don't waste my time making me check other stuff"
"Well I kind of have to. I'm sorry if you don't like it but it's part of my job. You know, in case it's not what you think it is? Let's start by cycling the modem power."
"NO GOD DAMNIT I am not stupid, that's not the problem! you can skip it."
"Well just humor me then."
"NO! Skip to the advanced stuff, this isn't a simple problem! I already told you I know what's wrong!"
"Well then why do you need my help to fix it?"
"FUCK YOU I'm not stupid, I know what I'm doing, I'll get my boyfriend to fix this, he won't treat me like an idiot!"
She hung up.
this woman walks in to the local beer distributor at which i work. Right next door, by the way, is a hero place. You can see the sign, which says HEROES from anywhere in the parking lot. so this lady walks in, stops for a second and looks around. she looks at me, with a look of confusion. she continues to walk around the store for five minutes, and even goes into the back (where we do bottle returns). she comes walking up to the register and says
"Dont you guys sell heroes here?"
i look at her and actually laugh. i point towards the hero store and say
"are you sure?"
we're a beer distributor. Hero store is next door."
"you're sure you dont sell heroes?"
After years of being misunderstood, I had hoped we finally had "our" story. I was wrong.
He had a yellow inflatable tube around his waist, the kind with a comical duck head. There was a tiny fish in one of his hands, and a trident in the other. In the background a squirrel wearing shades was water skiing.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.