This by far wins it for me. This customer brings me two packs of batteries. Duracell AA's, a 2 pack and a 4 pack. He lays them down on the counter and proceeds to ask the following:
Customer: Hi. Can you tell me what the difference between these two packs of batteries are?
Me: Theyre identical batteries sir.
Customer: Really? Because this one here *points to the two pack* says that these are AA to the second power and this on here *points to the four pack* says that these AA are to the fourth power.
Me: *WTF PANCAKES!* ....sir, thats the number of batteries in the pack.
He promptly left the store.
: Hi. Can I just make a photocopy of this book?
: I'm afraid we don't have a copier for customer use.
: But it's so expensive!
: Well, how many pages do you need? (I was about to suggest they buy it, go photocopy the pages they need, then hang on to their receipt and return it)
: All of it!
: And you, uh, want to photocopy every single page?
: Not to be rude, but photocopying 200 pages at 25 cents a copy (the rate at the nearest copy shop) is going to cost more than the $20 cover price of the book.
: No it isn't! Copies are cheap! And this is 20 whole dollars!
: ...alllright, ma'am.
At the computer lab where I work, my job is to help users with Unix or Windows problems, should they have any. Also, I'm required to close up at 10:00 PM. The best part of my job comes at this time, where I get to kick people out. Of course there are a few that want to stay after-hours so they could finish their project, work on their facebook profiles, or something equally I could care less about. Here is an example of a girl trying to stay late so she could finish her project:
: When do you guys close?
Me: We close at 10:00 PM, that's in five minutes, so you should go ahead and start wrapping up.
: 10:00! *Looks at her watch* Oh, I thought it was 9! My watch is broken. Hehehe, isn't that funny?!
: So can I stay late and finish my project?
Me: No, get the fuck out.
Is that a jerk thing for me to do? I mean, there are signs posted everywhere that the lab closes at 10, so everyone knows when they're suppose to leave.
At EBX, we were once robbed.
Yes, someone tried to rob a game store.
A raggedly old fuck of a guy walked into the store with a satchel bag over his shoulder, empty. I looked at him and realized that this was going to be a long fucking day. He's one of those guys who you think should actually be chopping down lumber Paul Bunyan style in some fucknut region of Maine.
He drops the satchel on the counter and approaches me.
I want everyone behind the counter, now.
This is a robbery. Get behind the goddamn counter.
I, not giving a shit about losing my job or anything like that, oblige by asking everyone to either leave or get behind the counter.
Good. Now fill it with the money.
Yes, the money.
Sir, I can't open the drawer unless you make a purchase. Besides, there's like $50, tops, in there.
That, of course, was a half-lie. I can open the drawer whenever I fucking well please. I was just waiting for him to buy a Pokemon card or something. Hopefully with a credit or debit card.
Oh. Okay then.
He then proceeds to the game shelves, sticks out his grubby hand and starts shoveling titles into the satchel bag.
For those of you playing the home game, those "games" out on the shelves are empty. There's nothing in them! Not even the fucking manuals!
Anyway, he fills the satchel to the absolute bursting point and walks out the door. I called 911 and gave the appropriate description. When the police asked what it was he stole...
About 75 empty DVD cases.
Nope. I guess he's never been to an EBX before.
... What the hell...
Alright, we'll get on it.
The rest of the day was uneventful. Closed up shop, left a note for the that stuff had indeed been stolen.
The next morning, and I walk up to the front gate only to find...
A satchel filled with 75 DVD cases...
Can you make the egg nog lowfat?
My coffee house has a drink that consists of egg nog and espresso (it's chart-toppingly gross), and I get this question like 50 times a day, obviously from people who don't know what egg nog is. It consists of whole milk, eggs, sugar, and spices.
There is no such thing as "skim" egg nog, or "low fat" egg nog. It's a cornucopia of delicious non-diet treats, and you must accept this. Some things just cannot ever be good for you.
I've worked at a health food store for 10 years now, health food stores attract an above average amount of crazies.
I've had a woman ask me for a product that "makes water wetter".
I’ve had a woman ask me for “a plant based fish oil”, when I assured her that fish oil can only come from fish she became irate.
I’ve had a woman come into the store on a Tuesday and ask me if we had any weight loss products that would make her lose 20 pounds by this coming Saturday for an important wedding she had to attend.
When answering the phone once…
Me: Hi this is XXXXXXX how can I help you?
Her: Yes I want you to do some research for me.
Me: Well if you have a quick question I might be able to help you, what did you want to know?
Her: Yes I’m looking for information on DHEA, I would like you to type up a research report on it & mail it to me.
Me: Sorry we don’t do that sort of thing here, if you want to come in we actually sell books on that particular supplement.
Her: Well you’re not very helpful…click
The strangest thing about working at a health food store is people will openly admit to not agreeing with their doctors advice and they want your expert advice on the subject. Someone can be on blood thinners, blood pressure meds, cholesterol meds & anti-depressants & they are SHOCKED when you tell them you aren’t sure if there will be any drug interactions with the bottle with 12 different Chinese herbs in it that they are asking about. When you tell them they should consult their doctor the most common response is “I thought you are supposed to know this kind of stuff!” ( ya, I went to 12 years of med school to work here lady ) The irony is these same people get belligerent if you dare question the judgment of something their hairdresser told them.
If you are 35 and you are not integrated into the Gigathrax then you are not ready to retire.
While designing this space, I imagined David Fincher being forced to recreate the music video for Nine Inch Nails' Closer in a haunted gas station bathroom.
My game is funded. Now I know everything.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.