Retro SWAT 3
Dr. Thorpe: She's bedazzled all to hell.
Zack: This is pretty much a case study of what was wrong with the 1980s. Forget Iran-Contra, we're talking lace and beads and tassels and drape pulls all stitched onto a giant denim monstrosity.
Dr. Thorpe: She looks like she's wearing the military regalia of the Punky Brewster army. "I got this medal for inventing the doilies-sewn-on-my-butt look."
Zack: She looks like she ran through a denim warehouse, slipped and fell in glue, and then rolled across one of grandma's tables.
Dr. Thorpe: Either she's padded or she's got shoulders like a linebacker.
Zack: Shoulder pads were so ubiquitous in the 80s that I'm surprised they didn't have implants. The stacking shoulder pads of multi-layered outfits would make women look like the McDonald's logo.
Dr. Thorpe: Her hair looks like how you used to draw girls' hair when you were like five years old. Just a big row of loose curls encircling the face.
Zack: It's like a Lion's mane frozen in the middle of a hurricane.
Dr. Thorpe: She's so stonewashed that it's surprising that she doesn't have bruises all over.
Zack: That's Biblical level stonewashing. Her outfit committed adultery.
Dr. Thorpe: Her outfit is still committing all sorts of unspeakable sins. God, what a Melissa-Rivers-caliber joke that was.
Zack: Sometimes we end up imitating that which we hate most. Like tomorrow you're going to wake up in something suspiciously similar to this.
Dr. Thorpe: You mean the clothes? Or do you mean we'll wake up still inside one of these things that we picked up at a seedy bar? Hold on, I need to go splash water on my face symbolically and then stare at myself in the mirror like in movies.
Zack: Look back over your reflection's shoulder and see the denim still splayed out across your rumpled sheets. Like you ate a pair of Levis and a bucket of bric-a-bracs and then threw up on your bed.
Dr. Thorpe: And some stones. I had to work the whole outfit through my gizzard.
