Invitation to Exclusivus
You're perfect and beautiful.
Your wealth is unlimited.
Your power is beyond the reach of nations.
How dreadfully boring.
Fortunately, you are qualified to join Exclusivus, the world's most exclusive recreation organization, since 1680.
Among our members are kings, leaders of industry, and nine US presidents: the other presidents did not meet our discerning membership requirements.
You already have everything you desire or you would not have been contacted. It is time to have all the things you were not yet aware you desired.
We tailor our experience packages to the individual, these are just some suggestions...
- Murder an astronaut in his moment of triumph. Drown him with his stored waste. Explode his capsule. Slide out of a concealed hatch and strangulate him with a length of rope. Watch his untethered body slowly drift away.
- Observe through a slot in a door as a grown man is devoured by the family of owls he raised from eggs. Held down by rocks. They peck out his eyes and eat his lips first. Hold a cloth to your mouth when you gasp with laughter or you might startle them.
- Test your favorite rap against an advanced rapping robot that does nothing but install rap programs and constantly update his rap programs with new rap algorithms. Rap hard enough and his rap matrix will overload and he will catch fire. No one has ever done this.
- Travel to a secluded tropical island and hunt the most dangerous game: invisible man.
- Lay on top of the Queen of England, your nose touching the tip of her nose, your hands exploring her every lump as you stare into her eyes until you become so sexually aroused you are levered off of her body.
- Howl at a melon. Let it feel your contempt. Fill its pulpy belly with your hatred. When you split it open with a machete and drink its juice your balance will be restored.
- Write a founding document for a new nation. You pick the rights. You choose the strength of the central government. You assign the responsibilities to the various branches. You include a hideous loophole that will inevitably lead to civil war.
- Rub your hands up and down your body and each time you do you will find new nipples forming. Overnight these will form rows of large breasts. Some will give milk, others poison. Nurse babies...or enemies.
- Tear the epaulets from an insubordinate officer. Rip the flag patch from his arm. Snatch the pistol from his holster. Have him marched out of the command bunker. Throw him from the deck of your ship.