The Latest Leaked TSA Directive
2. BOARDING GATE
1. At the boarding gate feel free to single out any suspicious passengers. Why is that guy so tall? Who died and made him King Tall? Why is that woman over there disrespecting Sbarro's by not finishing her calzone? Does she hate pepperonis and insect parts? Pay particular attention to the elderly, as they have nothing left to lose, and mothers with small babies. Postpartum depression is real and it is deadly. Harass all of these people until they want to die and/or die.
2. Stand really close to women in tight-fitting clothing. Insist on searching their bags. Don't be afraid to use the new "hair smelling" search technique. If necessary, take them aside and inform them of the even newer "hairpie smelling" search technique.
Pretend to find an underwear bomb and say something really smooth and cool like, "To keep your underpants bomb from blowing up I'm going to have to get your underpants real wet." If needed, show them TSA image Bravo-88 (attached below) of Roger Staubach for visual stimulation.
Terrorists may react violently to Roger Staubach's all-Americanness. If you are a female TSA screener ignore this entire item and don't try any feminist equality bullcrap like touching or smelling poles. Ugh, that's so nasty.
3. Passengers who seems suspicious should be forced to sit in the "lie chair" - a regular chair with a sign taped to the back that reads, "LIE CHAIR." Tell them the chair will get warm if it detects lies. Ask them increasingly personal questions about their hygiene and sexual history. When they finally refuse to answer more questions ask them quickly, "Are you going to blow up the plane!?" If they blush or laugh arrest them.*
*As a TSA screener you do not have the authority to arrest a passenger. Refuse suspicious passengers entry onto the plane and ask them politely to remain in the airport while a real police officer is called in to taser and beat them, possibly to death.
4. Passengers with attractive or grotesque bodies should be subjected to an immediate full-body scan. These new scanners use advanced scanning beams and computers or whatever they put in there to see through clothing. The resulting image is what the person might look like as an Aphex Twin creature pushed up against a sliding glass door. This scanner does not detect weapons or explosives, but there is an option to give a scanned subject the face of Richard D. James.
Her cargo pants say "no," but her scanned naked monster body says, "Come to daddy!"
3. IN FLIGHT
1. Randomly select two passengers for the trip militia and give them the trip pistols. As the trip militia it will be their solemn duty to shoot dead any terrorist who attempts to terrorize the flight. Before handing over the trip pistols ask the recipients if they are okay with taking a life. If they are not ask them to exchange seats with someone willing to kill for the greater good.
2. All luggage must be stored in the bomb-containment pods located above the seat rows. These are the overhead bins, but they have been heavily reinforced to protect passengers from a blast by naming them "bomb-containment pods."
3. Ask passengers to direct all requests to the Flight Mom, the most senior (or most powerful) member of the air stewards. Remind the passengers not to attempt to bypass the Flight Mom by requesting something from the Flight Dad.
4. Begin the pre-flight instructions by converting all passengers and crew members to Islam. End the flight by baptising them in the name of Christ. Jews: tough luck.