January 1, 2012
Me, my iPad and my fake diarrhea are about to drink vodka and play 'Words With Friends' in the bathroom for a few hours. #Christmas
- Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) December 24, 2012
My holiday Pandora station won't stop playing songs with OH GOD PLEASE COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS, PLEASE BABY YOUR PUDDING WASN'T "FAGGY" :-(
- stefanie d. lord (@donglord69) December 24, 2012
NOT SURE WHERE I CAN FIND GOOD HOLIDAY DEALS????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
- Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) December 24, 2012
After having a few beers, Aquaman's friends probs throw the plastic 6-pack rings on him for a good chuckle cause that's what I would do
- Nick (@NickBossRoss) December 24, 2012
just scratched my forehead with a cheezit and then ate it
- Keply Pentland (@MmeSurly) December 24, 2012
"What is this, TRON?" - the ant that just crawled into my laptop
- rachel lichtman (@DJRotaryRachel) December 23, 2012
Pretty cool that Sarah Connor saved mankind by raw-dogging a total stranger claiming to be a time traveller at the height of the AIDS scare.
- Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) December 6, 2012
Oh good new Kim kardashian jokes
- Kyle Kinane (@kylekinane) December 31, 2012
sometimes i have dreams that @dogbountyhunter & I are hanging out shooting the shit then a criminal shoots him & i breastfeed him as he dies
- wint (@dril) January 5, 2012
at the nude beach you can tell whos security because they're really fucking buff and they have "SECURITY" painted/tattooed across their pecs
- Hermit Thrush (@Hermit_Thrush) December 30, 2012
ur ATM announces 'P2 HAS ENTERED THE GAME!' granny at the next ATM set a chalenge. a siren sounds & a timer ticks as u both rush 2 get cash
- egg dog (@egg_dog) December 28, 2012
#15factsaboutme i hate drama. i hate fake ass bitches. there are dried up turds in my car. theyre my own turds and i kiss them while driving
- deg (@degg) December 28, 2012
rreddit: IM an insufferable fucking prick. the computer has made me extremely wise ,but im shit,. please post your Racist Roommate Stories
- wint (@dril) November 19, 2012
if your name is travis i'm not mad i just wanna know why
- julia (@jdelwoo) December 17, 2012
Time has named Barack Obama their "Person Of The Year." Obama responded by offering a compromise where he's the 4th-best person of the year
- drewtoothpaste (@drewtoothpaste) December 19, 2012
This dildo fuckin sucks *throws dildo out of car window at 90 mph*
- The Prez (@Perfect_Beanis) February 22, 2011
When one door closes, another opens.Also, you can open the closed door.That's how doors work.How do you know so little about doors?
- Jennifer L. (@TheFearBoners) December 1, 2012
im boycotting instagram. i cant believe one of the hundreds of companies who regularly profits from my personal data would actually TELL ME
- Cool Niceman (@dogboner) December 18, 2012
This will make you feel old: Remember Jonathan Lipnicki, the little boy from "Jerry Maguire"? He died ten years ago today, from old age.
- Mark Leggett (@markleggett) December 31, 2012
I want you guys to know that I have this disorder where I look way fatter in pics than I am in real life. This is a serious medical issue.
- Alissa Orber (@alissarules) December 31, 2012
"It's like throwing a hotdog down a hallway" - me, throwing some burgers in a well
- Greg (@weedguy420boner) December 31, 2012
A chill down your back means that someone just walked on your grave. A chill down your front means button your shirt. No one is impressed!
- Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) December 30, 2012
"Pretty glad I wore a backwards hat tonight," Cody thought to himself between sips of bud light lime.
- Zachary? (@GreenishDuck) December 29, 2012
Ok, I've been walking around my neighborhood with this pedometer, and you would not believe how many pedophiles there are around here.
- snake_dad (@daggerbyte) December 29, 2012
"Well, you should have been more specific before I painted all these veins." - designer of the Wienermobile
- Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) December 28, 2012
In LA, there's a fancy cineplex w/ a bar. Guy in front of me orders Gin, Grand Marnier and AGAVE SYRUP. STILL A FUCKIN MOVIE THEATER DUDE
- Andy Richter (@Andy_Richter) December 28, 2012
what is kickstarter? oh that website where nerds pay for shitty videogames before they come out? did you mean gamestop?
- Q (@QVT) December 27, 2012
is it true what it says in wired magazine about how red headed people come from a regular woman that had sex with an orang utan in a hot tub
- Crimped Hair (@DinkMagic) December 26, 2012
whitney houston just came on tv and my mum shouted "DEAD" and my dad shouted "DEAD"
- crispin best (@crispinbest) December 25, 2012
Why do I have this idea that the guy who played Newman did something terrible? Keep googling Wayne Knight arrested/racist/etc but no luck…
- David Thorpe (@Arr) December 25, 2012
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