Patch Notes: Bulletstorm
This day-of-release patch brings Bulletstorm to version 1.0.1, addressing a number of issues that popped up at the last minute and introducing some fun new features.
Thanks to our customers for supporting this game, especially the PC gamers that paid $10 more than the platform's average title in exchange for being mocked if they complained about not getting a demo, then being told that they were lucky to have anything at all since they're probably pirates.
On to the changes!
- Bullets now do damage.
- To emphasize the fact that this is NOT a cover-based shooter but a frantic high risk high reward thrill ride, we added a number of additional objects for players to hide behind and waste time vaulting over.
- Removed several underwhelming kill combos such as "kick a guy, wait for him to get up, get shot by him, kick him again, then try to shoot him in the butt but miss and hit his torso" and "shoot a guy with a gun".
- Added a jump button. It's hidden somewhere in the second level. Good luck finding it!
- Reworked the stealth sections. Now they're also escort missions, and being seen by an enemy is an instant game over.
- Players are no longer just scored on the creativity of their kills, but also on their ability to tap an unused button as many times per minute as possible. Thanks to StarCraft II for that one.
- New gameplay mechanic: Shoot bad guys as they try to shoot you.
- Following Epic's mandate, made all characters' feet 50% bigger and added texture pop-in.
- There was a little too much blood flying around in previous versions. We've replaced most of it with intact bones and the fleeting visages of souls screaming in terror as they face the void of oblivion.
- Out of respect to all the other shooters out there, we pulled back on most of our gorgeous, colorful, and creative environments, replacing most of them with rubble and warehouses.
- Made the chick's boobs bigger. This works because she's a strong woman, you know, the kind that's hyper sexualized and basically acts like an overly macho man.
- Optional alt-fire on every weapon now fills the screen with a nuclear explosion, leaving a sweet afterimage on your monitor for more than thirty minutes.
- Added audio cues to point out when slow-motion kicks in. Every time this happens, you should hear Grayson exclaim "Evvveryttthiiing isss sooo sloooow!"
- You know how Duty Calls made that hilarious "boring" sound when a gun was fired? We decided to incorporate something similar in Bulletstorm. Every time you pull the trigger, you hear the sound of a tongue slapping against a cheek, just to let you know that this game is tongue in cheek, in case you couldn't tell, because we really want to drive that point home.
- Brought Steve Blum back in to record more lazy, extreme quips that are so over the top they know they're over the top, and therefore are immune to criticism. Look forward to catchphrases such as "see you later, clit nugget" and "your guts smell like abortion".
- The soundtrack has been completely replaced with constant gunfire and cursing.
- In reaction to the Fox News story, we decided to cut back on the amount of rape in the game. We are now just below the level of rape found in the original Mass Effect, where players used online capabilities to engage in virtual orgasmic rape.
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Marry me, Double Fine, and while we're on our honeymoon every adventure game developer should sneak into your bathroom and steal the "encourage players to find multiple solutions to every puzzle" concept, because the bathroom is where you keep that. 8/10
Marvel Vs. Capcom 3: Fate Of Two Worlds
I have no idea what's going on and spend most of my time being chain-punched into the stratosphere, but I like it. 7/10
Body And Brain Connection
The brain is part of the body, game, and now I have defeated your test. 5/10
You Don't Know Jack
Easily the funniest quiz game to come along since Hollywood Squares. 8/10
Test Drive Unlimited 2
Because when I think of driving games, I think of terrible Rockstar-like cutscenes presented in the douchey style of Playstation Home. 6/10
Mario Sports Mix
As it turns out, taking several small games that no one in their right mind would pay for and putting them in a collection makes for one big game that no one in their right mind would pay for. 3/10