Steve: Okay, so what moves can I do to bust a ghoul's head?
Zack: A pressure point strike would cause the ghoul biting his arm to release him. He could finish that one off, but it would open him up to a serious torso thrashing from the other ghoul.
Steve: Doing it. I need to get this fight down to a one-on-one.
Zack: Kurt drives the ghoul to its knees with a precision tonfa strike on the ghoul's neck. He smashes its head open with two more strikes and it flops lifelessly onto the floor. Before he can wheel on Michelangelo the ghoul delivers a brutal double claw attack. Blood sprays everywhere. It hasn't been this bad backstage at a Kids' Choice Awards since 1989 when Wil Wheaton was chewed in half by a cthonian.
Steve: Where is Eazy-E?
Zack: Since you didn't really give him a task I am going to assume he is continuing his mythos research. We haven't really talked about it, but he does have limited access to some mythos spells at this point.
Steve: And Left Eye?
Zack: She's searching the dead body of Remo for any clues.
Steve: Brutally attack Michelangelo. If all the other Turtles are dead I want to keep him alive so I can interrogate him.
Zack: Kurt Cobain smashes the ghoul's forearm with his tonfa and then delivers a double shoulder strike, dislocating both of the ghoul's collar bones. The agonized ghoul falls to the floor and begins writhing in agony.
Steve: Pin that dude down and demand some answers. "What are you doing here dressed as the Turtles? Where are the real Turtles?"
Zack: "You will never stop usssssss," says Michelangelo. The ghoul laughs at Kurt. You hear a loud clicking sound and its eyes roll back in its head and blood starts pouring out of its ears and nose holes. It seems as if some sort of fail safe device in its head went off and killed the ghoul.
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.