Two passageways can be seen here. Each is behind a double portcullis. The first one leads south, while the second extends west.Steve: I will heave up the first portcullis with a mighty roar and head south.
Zack: You travel down a dark and foreboding hallway. Your mind is filled with thoughts of possible songs about bats, lichens, and evil, red-eyed rats.
Steve: The finest sort of rat!
Zack: Suddenly, the floor falls away beneath you and you find yourself falling! You are falling into a pit!
Steve: Gravity, unconquerable foe! I shall one day have my revenge in song!
Zack: Luckily you only fall ten feet down into the pit and take 2 points of damage.
Steve: Is that all? I've seen tougher pits at baby schools. I scoff at the pit and utilize my grappling hook to climb out.
Zack: You continue down the hall for a short while longer and you reach a closed, wooden door. Hallways continue to the west and to the east.
Steve: When life gives you doors, make doorade!
Zack: You enter a chamber of unearthly power and fell lightning crackling from eldritch devices. Upon the air is the perfume of evil majicks. Four hooded and robed acolytes adjust profane dials on a machine that seems to be electrifying a dead goblin.
Steve: Acolytes of the Hoary Frostlands! Prepare yourself to witness your Dethroned God Defiled by the Negative Priest of Black Shreds.
Zack: You wail on your guitar, blasting two of them into brain-fried ragdolls. The other two turn on you and attack. One slashes your leather pants, inflicting 3 damage with a rusty knife, the other attacks you with a sword but his blow is deflected by the spikes on your shoulders.
Steve: Syphilitic Spawn of Deepest Water Deep, uncork your black vengeance upon these pant-ruiners. Feel the agony of my feedback!
Zack: Their heads explode, Scanners style.Steve: Is there any treasure in the room?
Zack: Only the rusty weapons of these twisted acolytes.
Steve: They have sowed a hard wind. Now they will reap what they have wrought with their seeds. What about their device?
Zack: You cannot discern its function, but you see a door on the eastern wall.
Steve: Open it.
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.