Sand covers almost the entire floor of this once lavishly decorated room. Glints of silver may be seen in the sand near the center of the room.Steve: Finally, some treasure. All these gigs and I haven't been paid once. Yngwulf is diving right in in search of something valuable.
Zack: A thorough search of the sand reveals that the silver glint was dozens of buried dancing bells.
Zack: Dancing bells. Everyone knows about dancing bells. You don't?
Steve: Yeah, of course I do. Dancing bells. Sure, I know all about them. Very valuable.
Zack: They're basically worthless.
Steve: Practically worthless. Anything else in here?
Zack: Yes, there is a door to the south and also you just fell into a pit trap.Steve: Gravity! You stalking horse of Cathy!
Zack: The sandy floor gives way beneath your feet and you and your treasure of dancing bells plummet ten feet to the bottom of a pit. You take 1 point of damage.
Steve: 1 point? That's it? Try harder, Cathy.
Zack: Also you are attacked by a ravenous six-legged rat monster called a baric. Its eyes glow white and it savages you with its claws and bite. You take 4 points of damage.
Steve: Oh man, these points of damage are really adding up. They're adding up to a new song I like to call Blood Frenzy of Lord Young Wolf, Harbinger of the Crimson Wind. I will savage this baric creature back with an intense lick from my axe.Zack: The creature yelps and recoils from the frosty frets. Smoke begins to billow from your guitar.
Steve: I pummel this rat fink with my sonic fury, reducing him to a baric compote. Then reducing him further to a gelatin, then further still until he is no more and erased from history like a bad wizard's deeds.Zack: If it weren't for your injuries you'd believe there never was a baric at all.
Steve: Grappling hook out of this dump. I'm not going through that door to the south either, I'm going back out to the hall and continuing that way. I am way sick of all these pits and I'm not falling for their crap again.
It's true. Grimace is human. God help us, we did our best for him.
Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!
The famed gonzo otaku journalist writes about the death of gaming culture in 2014.
Try not to break your console while I try not to break my cyber brain.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.