Zack: Pay attention, folks. Furries existed before the Internet.
Steve: Every female monster in D&D charms men and either kills them during sex or turns them into slaves.
Zack: Theoretically, that's totally awesome. In practice...
Steve: In practice...even more awesome. You just gotta rely on dice rolling more. I made up a couple charts so you can just roll up the sex. Hang on, let me get it out.
Zack: No! Put away whatever it is you're getting out!
Steve: Uh-oh, you rolled a one. Fox woman just did a deuce on your face.
Zack: What's save versus scat?
Steve: My friend, there is no saving throw versus the dook. The best you can do is try to throw yourself out of the way and hope for half damage.
Zack: I'm running out of there!
Steve: You run out and there's an owlbear waiting for you.
Zack: That's better.
Steve: He's not wearing pants.
Zack: Oh god!
Steve: Rolled one again! He's regurgitating a goblin pellet onto your face.
Zack: I would find this a lot funnier if I didn't somewhere, deep down, believe you really do have this chart.
Steve: Deep down you say? There's a separate chart for that. Uh, rolled a one again. The Morkoth screeches and pulls down its capri pants.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.