Zack: Pay attention, folks. Furries existed before the Internet.

Steve: Every female monster in D&D charms men and either kills them during sex or turns them into slaves.

Zack: Theoretically, that's totally awesome. In practice...

Steve: In practice...even more awesome. You just gotta rely on dice rolling more. I made up a couple charts so you can just roll up the sex. Hang on, let me get it out.

Zack: No! Put away whatever it is you're getting out!

Steve: Uh-oh, you rolled a one. Fox woman just did a deuce on your face.

Zack: What's save versus scat?

Steve: My friend, there is no saving throw versus the dook. The best you can do is try to throw yourself out of the way and hope for half damage.

Zack: I'm running out of there!

Steve: You run out and there's an owlbear waiting for you.

Zack: That's better.

Steve: He's not wearing pants.

Zack: Oh god!

Steve: Rolled one again! He's regurgitating a goblin pellet onto your face.

Zack: I would find this a lot funnier if I didn't somewhere, deep down, believe you really do have this chart.

Steve: Deep down you say? There's a separate chart for that. Uh, rolled a one again. The Morkoth screeches and pulls down its capri pants.

More WTF, D&D!?

This Week on Something Awful...

  • We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human

    We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human

    It's true. Grimace is human. God help us, we did our best for him.

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.