Zack: Pay attention, folks. Furries existed before the Internet.
Steve: Every female monster in D&D charms men and either kills them during sex or turns them into slaves.
Zack: Theoretically, that's totally awesome. In practice...
Steve: In practice...even more awesome. You just gotta rely on dice rolling more. I made up a couple charts so you can just roll up the sex. Hang on, let me get it out.
Zack: No! Put away whatever it is you're getting out!
Steve: Uh-oh, you rolled a one. Fox woman just did a deuce on your face.
Zack: What's save versus scat?
Steve: My friend, there is no saving throw versus the dook. The best you can do is try to throw yourself out of the way and hope for half damage.
Zack: I'm running out of there!
Steve: You run out and there's an owlbear waiting for you.
Zack: That's better.
Steve: He's not wearing pants.
Zack: Oh god!
Steve: Rolled one again! He's regurgitating a goblin pellet onto your face.
Zack: I would find this a lot funnier if I didn't somewhere, deep down, believe you really do have this chart.
Steve: Deep down you say? There's a separate chart for that. Uh, rolled a one again. The Morkoth screeches and pulls down its capri pants.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.