Steve: Looks pretty sweet to me, bro. Chinese dragon cyborg. What's wrong with that?
Zack: First off this whole book is ridiculous and vaguely racist with the way every robot has to look like a samurai or some other crap from Japanese history. They have a suit of armor in the back of the book called the SUMO and - get this - it has a big potbelly! Isn't that charming?
Steve: You sound angry. Chill out, man. This thing is awesome.
Zack: It's only half as awesome as the list of bionic features that it includes. This is an actual list from the entry for this robot dragon:
Steve: Oh, come on, those are just the boring non-weapon bionics.
Zack: A clock calendar and a modulating voice snythesizer? Does this dragon robot need to make prank calls as Phil T. Enward at 10PM on the 19th?
Steve: Are you going to try to tell me that a gyro-compass isn't useful?
Zack: Oh, you want to talk about useful? Sure, let's talk about useful. Let's talk about the list of weapons this thing has.
Zack: Laser turrets? Forehead lasers? Vibrating claws and tail? And then after all that it has rules for this huge robotic dragon to punch and kick people, but restrain itself to do less damage.
Steve: Okay, maybe that's a little excessive.
Zack: Just imagining fighting this thing in a Rifts game is terrible. I don't know how the rules work exactly, but Christ, look how many weapons are involved. Ten minutes in and you'll still be rolling the stuff on its head.
Steve: Rifts plays pretty much like oldschool D&D, only the whole game you're just fighting one giant combat with a million different damage locations and pop-up missile launchers and robot drones that you launch out of your chest. Which owns.
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.