Zack's Stupidest #3
Christine the Cactus Person
From Rifts Worldbook 14 New West
Zack: What would a Rifts book be without anthropomorphizing some aspect of a region and turning it into a character class? It'd be a TORG book. But since we're talking Rifts and we're talking the Southwest, full of cowboys and horses and Indians for some reason, we have the cactus people.
Zack: The cactus people may look like a cactus and have a bunch of cactus like abilities, but they are actually aliens from another dimension that of course appeared in the Southwest where there are plants that just happen to look like them. You know, standard Rifts origin.
Steve: Is he screaming?
Zack: The cactusman in the picture is not screaming. The male cactus people grow huge smiling mouths that are actually just decorative. The women get all lumpy.
Steve: So how does it talk if it doesn't have a mouth?
Steve: Mmmhmmm. Sounds useful.
Zack: It sounds useful until you realize cactus people need it to survive because their blood is delicious to humans and other races. So anyone evil, and that is 99% of the Rifts population, wants to eat a cactus person.
Steve: It says they can regenerate hit points.
Zack: Over a day, yes. They heal in sunlight.
Steve: I don't know, man, it's bad, but she can pilot anything, so technically she could be a mech pilot. She's not really any worse than a normal human.
Zack: Except everyone wants to eat her blood.
Steve: We have a bad character class here versus one that actually ruins a good character class by way of a candle.
Zack: I could see having black candles and being cool. Like a Danzig wizard.
Steve: Who ends up in a coma on one bad roll.
Zack: Okay. I yield. Yours is stupider. You win.
Steve: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy! What's my prize?
Zack: You get to run a Rifts game in the future.
Steve: You think that's a joke prize, but I am pumped. Get your Glitter Boys and Glitter Girls on the dance floor.
A body lies in a warehouse storing skeletons, devil masks, broken dolls, Satanic pentagram stencils, inexpertly stuffed dead animals, out of tune music boxes, and flickering light bulbs. The corpse has been mangled, its intestines pulled out to spell "Spooky Force" on the ground.
The most advanced and up-to-date method of checking the temperature from cricket noises.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.