Zack's Stupidest #2
Tobar Pokorny the Gypsy Wizard Thief
From Rifts Worldbook 5 Triax and the NGR
Zack: Worldbook 5 includes several gypsy classes, all of which are thieves or scam artists, but I went with the one that sounded most like a muttered epithet in a Hungarian tavern.
Steve: A thief and a wizard is living the dream. Is gypsy the race?
Zack: Nope! Broad category. According to the book, only 50% of gypsies are even humans, 40% are from other dimensions and 10% are monsters or aliens. And believe it or not, the percentage of monsters and aliens has actually gone down from our world, where a solid 30% are either fake fortune telling Frankensteins, vampires or pickpocketing xenomorphs.
Steve: Does this Tobar guy have powers?
Zack: Yeah, but hang on. Let me give you his back story. Tobar was stolen from good people when he was a baby. Raised among the gypsies as one of their own, he quickly adapted to their ways. He fell in love with a beguiling gypsy tentacle monster and decided to make an honest trashing horror pile out of her. Unfortunately, she was murdered by a mob for placing a hex on a baseball team. Since then he has sought revenge for her death. By stealing gems.
Zack: His powers are mostly related to ley lines, although he can learn spells as he advances.
Steve: Hang on, it says in the book that one of his powers is "ley line phasing" which is teleporting. Your dude can teleport.
Steve: I've got you beat.
Zack: Not so fast. Yours might be stupid, but it's only racist against sasquatches. Mine is racist against creatures that are probably real.
Steve: Racist maybe, but we're competing for stupidest so I win this one easily. Your guy can teleport, my sasquatch has a special psychic power worse than an app on a cell phone.
Zack: Alllright, I concede defeat.
It's time to get a new TV. Your old one was made like two years ago, and so much has changed. You might as well be looking at a dinosaur's butthole. Why would you keep doing that, when you could be looking at a robot's butthole?
This libtard terminator keeps asking for guns that don't exist and I may have to close early out of frustration.
My game is funded. Now I know everything.
Sea of Thieves: Reduced the number of quest types from 3 to 2
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.