Zack's Stupidest #1

Charles the Waste Monkey

From Rifts Worldbook 28 Arzno Vampire Incursion

Zack: You went marsupial, I went primate with Charles the Waste Monkey.

Steve: He looks like a normal monkey.

Zack: Yes, he does, to the untrained eye. But you see, Steve, Waste Monkeys are as intelligent as small children and they have weird shovel hands that allow them to dig rapidly through the ground.

Steve: So he can talk?

Zack: Nope.

Steve: Sign language?

Zack: No, but Charles can understand simple instructions in Spanish. He was born in a trash can in Cancun, surviving in the wasteland by playing classical guitar for spare change which he then buried or ate. He can't use any weapons, he has fewer hit points than a dog and his best attack is to hit someone with his shovel which does the same damage as a human kick plus one.

Steve: I mean, he's not as silly as a koala warrior, but he seems useless. Does he have any redeeming powers?

Zack: He has 500 foot night vision and he is an expert at identifying edible plants. So if it's midnight and you need to know if a berry is poisonous at 475 feet, my man Charles is on the case.

Steve: Alright. You win round one.

Zack: Yeah, I do, for sure.

Steve: Don't get cocky.

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