Zack: I'm glad Maggie Gyllenhaal is slowly recovering from her bad face surgery.
Steve: I think she's trying to fix her chin.Zack: They had to dynamite her cheeks and fill in the craters with a concrete slurry, but weeks of sand-blasting have really evened things out. You can barely tell she's a monster now.
Steve: It's a noble effort, but she'll never be as pretty as her brother.
Zack: True, she might have been better off painting red circles on those cheeks and showing up in the next Saw movie as that stupid fucking puppet.
Steve: I wonder if Katie Holmes only agreed to be in the first Batman movie because the villain was a psychiatrist.Zack: If you're asking if that's why Tom Cruise let her out of the pit to star in the first of the new Batman movies then the answer is as inscrutable as the Voynich Manuscript.
Steve: Okay, here's a fun question for you: would you rather be trapped in an elevator with Katie Holmes and all her crazy or Maggie Gyllenhaal and all her face?
Zack: That's not a fun question.
Steve: I'd rather be in there with Katie Holmes because her boobs are so hot it's unbelievable.
Zack: Gift titties are gone, Steve. She had a miracle baby from Scientology. L. Ron only knows what that did to her rack.
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.