Zack: The room appears to be a fairly spacious guest accommodation. It has been ransacked, the furniture smashed and heaped to one side. The room now plays host to a trio of hobgoblins. They appear to be huddled around something made out of bricks. A strange, sweet-smelling smoke issues from the room.
Steve: Without my spear, I don't know if we can take them. We had better parley. "Hail and well met hobgoblins. How goes it?"
Zack: The hobgoblins turn in surprise. You see that they are wearing aprons splattered with red.
Steve: "Butchers! What foul deeds of murder have you been up to? Well, you'll not easily best this gypsy! Prepare yourself for hobhell, hobgoblins."
Zack: They step away and you see that they are standing around a brick oven. "You dare intrude on the perfection of our authentic, artisanal pizza recipe? We will slaughter you and combine your livers with pine nuts, roast garlic and olive oil! Prepare for death!"
Steve: I attack!
Zack: Despite their intimidating size and impressive armor they are no match for you and the wizards. They are armed only with pizza peels and pizza cutters.
Steve: Lucky break. I almost rolled up a Neapolitan thief.
Zack: Before dying, the hobgoblin leader divulges the forgotten secret of the pizza craftsmen: "It's all about temperature! You have to get the oven very hot!"
Steve: Once he is dead I am searching the room carefully for treasure.
Zack: You discover large quantities of basil and a magic spear.
Steve: I will take both! Then on to the next room.
Zack: The next two rooms in the hall are the same as this one, except there are no hobgoblins or pizza ovens and all of the wooden furniture has been taken to the first room to fire the pizza oven. You can continue to follow the hallway as it turns west, or backtrack.Steve: Follow the hall west.
This is where the excerpt from an article usually goes. Since the content of this update is only intended for cool people, I refuse to place a single word in the path of blundering normal people.
Out here in the Wild West we got some rules for gunfightin', like a pregnant lady ain't gotta be carryin' iron for you to draw on her first.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.