Zack: After about 200 feet of traveling your gypsy sense begins to tingle. You feel there is danger ahead in the hallway. You can see the hall ahead is a slightly lower level that you must reach by taking a short staircase.
Steve: Approach the staircase cautiously, my magical spear and basil at the ready.
Zack: You notice Nickar and Trebbelos are hanging back.
Steve: "What do you know, you accursed layabouts!?"
Zack: "Oh, nothing, we didn't use our ESP potions or powers. We're just tired so we'll wait here while you scout ahead."
Steve: I don't believe them. I am going to tie a length or rope around Trebbelos and throw him ahead.
Zack: Onto the staircase?
Zack: Trebbelos is screaming and crying because he is a literal baby. You tie a rope around his waist and hurl him at the stairs ahead of you. There is a clank and they swing open and Trebbelos disappears into a pit.
Steve: Is he okay?
Zack: He's pretty banged up and he's screaming really loud, but he is okay, dangling from the rope about twenty feet above the dark surface of a pool of water.
Steve: "Sorry about that, little man. I had to check for traps."
Zack: "SUCK MY DICK!" he yells and then keeps screaming. It's super loud and annoying.Steve: I'm going to haul him up and try my best to comfort him.
Zack: It takes a while and his screaming is so loud that it summons some of the foul denizens of the dungeon!
Steve: What evil approaches?
Zack: It is a black widow spider. It taunts you, "What's up, King Size? You ready to lose some weight the hard way: by turning into a skeleton?"Steve: It is you that will be losing the weight, I'm afraid! Attack!
Zack: The spider dodges your attack and counters by webbing a small part of your toe. "Prepare to be my meal for the next million years!"
Steve: Can I step on it?
Zack: You easily step on the spider. It is dead.Steve: He really had it coming. Which way can we go?
Zack: You can leap over the pit and continue down the winding hall to a doorway.Steve: Do that. Open the door.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.