One Size Fits All Award
Steve: What's wrong with a giant centipede? That's a solid monster.
Zack: I agree. Centipedes are creepy as hell. A giant one makes for a great monster. That's why they included it in the first Monster Manual.
Steve: Ohhhh, yeah, I remember that.
Zack: Yeah, this is some bullshit right here. A "huge" and a "megalo" centipede.
Steve: That's still not so bad. Maybe your group likes fighting centipedes but the giant ones aren't tough enough so you use the megalo ones. Those are bigger, right? I know huge is smaller, but I don't remember megalo on my size chart.
Zack: I'm not sure, but to help you figure things out they have cleverly given you the size for the creatures: Small and Medium. So the huge is small and the megalo centipede is medium.
Steve: How big is the giant centipede?
Steve: So it's the same size as the huge one?
Zack: No, that one is twice as big. One foot long versus six inches.
Steve: So the giant centipede is six inches long?
Zack: The huge centipede is six inches.
Steve: Maybe I'll stick to regular sized centipedes. How big are they?
Zack: Big. There were some huge ones at my old apartment. I saw an enormous bastard climbing up the wall once.
Steve: An enormous one? How big was that?
Zack: Like two or three inches. What's that in D&D sizes?
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.