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Zack: Why is there a burrito full of scrolls behind Buffy? Oh man, wait, this is the same artist as the last one! This guy is a modern master!

Dr. Thorpe: Uh oh, Buffy's been caught off guard! How ironic that a vampire would catch her pleasuring herself with the very implement designed to kill it. That's why they don't allow female soldiers in combat: they're open to ambush because they can't resist sticking M-16s and hand grenades up inside themselves instead of keeping watch.

Zack: Bed, Bath & Beyond won't sell women sets of kitchen knives for similar reasons.

Dr. Thorpe: I'm intrigued by the fact that this artist clearly spends much more time on the details of the inhuman male characters than on the anatomy of the female characters.

Zack: Yeah, the guy spent like an hour drawing the robes on that guy and then he was like "oh sure, women have arms made out of rubber and giant feet."

Dr. Thorpe: He just wants to draw bitchin' monsters, but discriminating adults won't look at his art unless he throws in some sex to spice it up.

Zack: I like how he carefully included every article of clothing but then he only had the energy to draw one of her shoes.

Dr. Thorpe: And he didn't bother making her face look anything like Buffy's. She pretty much looks exactly like Barbara Streisand.

Zack: Oh man, you're right. He could just change the text at the bottom to read "Yentl's New Pendant." He could just add some squiggly locks and a yarmulke to the monster. That creature is pretty much how I picture Jews anyway.

Dr. Thorpe: People wouldn't even stop for a moment to think "why is Yentl hanging out in a graveyard?" It's a no-brainer.

Zack: I've never met a Jew in person but that seems like an accurate depiction of their daily activities based on the copy of "The Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion" I bought at Wal*Mart. I just hope they don't get hit by that oncoming train in the background. It looks like it's only a few feet away considering the size of that headlight.

Dr. Thorpe: I wonder why someone would build a giant train and then put a gigantic stone chaise lounge right in its path.

Zack: You can't really fathom the alien intellects of International Jewry. We can just hope that as they eat and drink the blood of Christian babies they will succumb to human bacteria and disease.

Dr. Thorpe: No way, Spielberg made "War of the Worlds." They're wise to the bacteria thing.

Zack: Then we are doomed. The earth belongs to the Jews.

Dr. Thorpe: Maybe they'll turn out to be allergic to water, like in "Signs." Or maybe someone will upload a virus into their mother ship. There are a million cop-out endings available to repel them.

Zack: Well if the Stormfront message boards are right then they don't bathe like humans do so maybe you're right about the water thing.

Dr. Thorpe: I'll stop being an anti-Semite the day the Jews stop masturbating and start killing vampires!

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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