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Dr. Thorpe: Well, I've just learned something new about the Ninja Turtles. I wonder if the artist's vision of their copious ejaculation is just a flight of fancy, or if it's an actual plot point that I somehow missed. I'm sure I'll get lots of e-mails saying "yeah, idiot, look at issue 38 of the original comic books! The Turtles ejaculate like crazy!"
Zack: I'm sure they wouldn't incorporate a detail like that unless it was rigorously sourced and possibly even confirmed by Eastman or Laird. Although it says at the bottom "Friday Nights In the Lair" so you would think if this sort of thing happened every friday night April would be familiar with the Turtle's ejaculatory habits.
Dr. Thorpe: I feel sorry for those who can no longer get aroused by a normal, healthy turtle ejaculation, and have to make up fantasy stories about mutant turtles and their exaggerated fluid output.
Zack: You know, if you could go back in time and tell JFK that by 2005 Americans would be relatively nonplussed by pictures of women fellating anthropomorphic turtles I doubt he would have been so diplomatic during the Cuban Missile Crisis. He probably would have figured a good nuclear exchange would be healthier for our culture in the long run.
Dr. Thorpe: Yeah, look how Japan turned out. Perfectly healthy sexual appetites over there!
Zack: Good point. I guess atomic bombs aren't quite a cure-all.
Dr. Thorpe: Oh Zack, is there any problem you won't try to solve with nuclear war? And time travel?
Zack: Not many, I'll freely admit. I can't tell you how many times I have tried to repair a cabinet in my kitchen using a quantum flux chamber and an armed Trident II warhead.
Dr. Thorpe: The funny part is, this is the first one of your time-travel-and-nuclear-war solutions that I haven't been 100% behind. They're usually elegant and economical ways to solve problems, so I'm amazed that you dropped the ball on this one.
Zack: You have to admit, even if a nuclear war didn't give us a little more desperately needed Bible influence in our culture it might at least completely annihilate mankind. That might be inelegant but you have to admit being a footnote in the history books of some hyper-evolved cockroaches would be preferable to another 100 years of pornographic fan art. Just imagine what some sweaty shut-in is going to do with a video of Rescue Rangers and the super powerful computers of 2105.
Dr. Thorpe: Well, people thought dramatic theater was uncivilized and low-brow when it first came about. In a hundred years, pornographic fan art might be the height of cultural production.
Zack: I can imagine something just like this but you can smell it with your mind or something. That's ultimately just taking us back down the road to wishing for the nuclear annihilation of mankind.
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.