Zack: This is the best friend of the dude in the No Shit Sherlock costume.

Dr. Thorpe: The way his face is framed by those curtains, it just looks like a giftwrapped invitation to punch him in the face.

Zack: Yeah, if I saw this dude at a party I would definitely surreptitiously stick a sign on the front that covers the word "kisses" with "punch me." You just want to break something sharp off in his skull.

Dr. Thorpe: I bet he and Sherlock have deep calluses on their hands from giving each other high-fives.

Zack: The only people who would wear a costume like this are the sort of cocky assholes who should have died in a drunk driving accident in the 11th grade, but somehow survived when they flipped their parents' Lexus. They killed a family of four, and it should have driven them to suicide, but they are untouchable. It's not that they're evil, it's that they don't actually ever reflect on anything.

Dr. Thorpe: Wouldn't it be amazing if someone shot him in his face, and then the coroner came and declared him dead on the scene and instead of putting a body bag over him, he just drew those little red curtains over his face? They could bury him in that thing instead of a coffin. It would be like a closed-casket funeral if they just left the curtains shut.

Zack: They would probably have to change the sign to something a little more appropriate for the funeral. "Mourning Booth. Tears Only FREE."

Dr. Thorpe: No Shit Sherlock would use his parents' money to start some kind of "Stop the Violence" media campaign in honor of his dead friend, but it would really just be a ploy to have sex with sympathetic women, like when Puff Daddy did that "I'll Be Missing You" song.

Zack: Yeah, and on his deathbed No Shit Sherlock will suddenly regret everything he did. He'll lean over to his adult children and say "Either that wallpaper goes or...something...something."

Dr. Thorpe: And they'll ignore it, just like everything else he says that doesn't directly relate to their inheritance.

Zack: And then he'll recover and become born again and be twice as annoying as he was as a thoughtless stoner.

Dr. Thorpe: He's like the male Laura Bush.

Zack: He'll live to be like 120 and write books about God's plan for him and being saved from cancer. The first of them will be called "The Healing Booth" and he'll dedicate to his friend who died.

Dr. Thorpe: Because he got shot in the face by one of the girls he date-raped.

More Fashion SWAT

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.