Dave: I thought we were doing a thing about bad tattoos, not the greatest tattoo.
Zack: Facts about the dude with this tattoo: never wears a shirt, walks backwards everywhere, sees shit through the bear face's eyes.
Dave: Is never fucked with; basically never stops yelling.
Zack: Not all that muscular, but draws immeasurable physical and sexual strength from the tattoo.
Dave: This isn't even a tattoo, a shaman just rubbed a hot rock all over his back and this is what happened.
Zack: It was like metaphysical paint-by-numbers. Smoked some peyote, saw infinity, bear on back.
Dave: Now carries spirit of Yellbear within him; uses it to get out of parking tickets.
Dave: Sir, this is a tow-away zo-- RRUUUHHHHHH!
Zack: The traffic cop just shrinks smaller and smaller until he turns into a tiny tattoo that finally disappears into the bear's flared nostril.
Dave: Yellbear also uses this power to suck in beers.
Zack: No matter how many beers it drinks, Yellbear's owner doesn't get fatter, Yellbear just gets more powerful.
Dave: Walks into Safeway... RRRRUUHHHHHH... frozen food section is now completely out of Totino's Pizza Rolls.
Zack: Drives past Taco Bell....RRRRRRRRRUHHHHHHHH...passenger seat piled with sacks full of chili cheese burritos.
Zack: Pulls up at a light next to some pretty girls...RRRRRRRUHHHHHHHHH...girls flushed, satisfied.
Dave: Uh oh, it's 5:30, Yellbear missed Cops! RRRRUUUUUUUHHH! Another episode!
Zack: That's not really a power. I think Raiders fan or die 4 u could conjure up more cops episodes.
Dave: In certain situations, whether or not it's a power isn't relevant.
Zack: Man, this sucks. Now I really badly want some pizza rolls and a cops marathon.
Dave: You have to earn that shit with a spirit quest, or else earn it by getting really drunk and calculating that it's cheaper to pass out in the 24-hour tattoo parlor than in the hotel.
Zack: I would pass out at a Raiders game wearing a Chiefs jersey if it meant I would wake up from my coma in six weeks with a yellbear to call my own.
Dave: RRRRUUUHHHHH! Bob Barker tattoo turns into big titty angel.
Zack: RRRRRRUUUUUHHHHH! Departed wife skeletonizes.
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.